Retiring the Monocle

[Feng]

Welcome back to" Cooking with Burnt Toast", your window into the delights of cooking Chibi cuisine.

A silver-haired Chibi chef bows to the camera, giving a bashful age to the viewing audience.

"Hello my friends! Hello again! As always it is a great honor to see your smiling faces!" said the chef with a grin. "Today you are in for a special treat, fish lovers. I will share with you the secrets of cooking Takoyaki using a special blend of herbs and spices particular to the Puffin Tribe" he said, acknowledging one of the two large tribes of Chibi native to the Muffinville area, second only to the Penguin.

He gestures to a large octopus on the table, still quite fresh.

"To begin we start by-"

There was a sudden interruption of static followed by a long, awkward pause

"Citizens of Muffinville.... Do not adjust your set."

[Ookalf]

Hm? *Ookalf happens to be flipping through the channels when he comes across the cooking show and its mysterious interruption.* What's going on here...?

[Feng]

It seems this is happening on every major channel. The static persists for a number of minutes. In the background can be heard arguing.

"No, no you daft fools! You're supposed to plug the blue wire over-No! No! That's the yellow one you.... *Sigh* If you want to do something right..."

*There is the sound of a derringer being fired*

"Tsk. I think you make a better maid than a handyman. Why don't you stand over there and look pretty while I sort this out, myes?"

A long pause follows. Eventually the screen changes to what appears to be inside a study full of books. A man with a green mask and monocle sits facing the camera. He wears an emerald smoking jacket and fez and swishes a glass of fine bourbon. Behind him stands a rather confused maid with platinum blond hair and rather large breasts.

"Greetings citizens of Muffinville. It is I, esteemed Criminal Mastermind and Evil Genius, Lord Bones come to deliver an important message."

[Ookalf]

Bones? What're you up to...? *Ookalf mutters to himself as he continues watching.*

[AmbushCat]

Ellen: ...Mother?

*No response. Amber (in feline mode), who'd gone completely silent in the middle of a game of 500 Rummy with three of her kids, makes no indication that she'd even heard her daughter speak. Her eyes are saturated with static, and her ears are making full 360-degree turns on her head. Bones' voice can be faintly heard from Amber's direction.*

Eebon: So... I'm guessing that we can't get a better reception by smacking her forehead? Gaw.

Elk: Son of an ex-queen, one of four! *slaps a bunch of cards down on the ground*

Ellen: *edges as close to Amber as she can without seeing her cards* ...Seriously, you two, shut up and listen.

[Feng]

"I have given the matter some serious thought and consideration" continues Bones, swishing his glass of bourbon. "And at long last I've reached a decision."

He paused for dramatic effect, taking a sip of his drink.

"It is time that I, Lord Bones, retire from Muffinville. Effective immediately, I am stepping down from my role of criminal mastermind, recurring villain, etcetera, etcetera."

He adjusts his monocle.

"Of course, there are a few loose ends to address first... Namely the matter of my estate, my various assets, and of course my army of Chibiwanbanshu minions...."

[AmbushCat]

*Across Muffinville at Brotherhood HQ, Missy looks up at the television she had on as background noise.*

Missy: Oh-ho...? First Caprice, now ol' skeleton-brains. Feels like everyone's leaving this world behind.

Bahija: Grggghh...

Missy: Shut up, sheepgirl. This is entertainment.

Bahija: *struggling to free herself from a headlock Applepills has caught her in* Let me go, I can't see!

[Feng]

Bones swishes the glass a bit.

"Concerning my vast arsenal of weaponry, my various subterranean bases, and resources... I leave the majority of these to the fine citizens of Muffinville in the hopes that future villains and ne'er-do-wells can put these to good use. Where may these assets be found? Why I leave that for you to discover for your yourselves, my friends. Finders keepers, losers.... Well."

*Sip*

"That being said, I have partitioned a portion of my Doomsday Weapons, reserving them for the Brotherhood with the sincerest hope that those cloaked fiends may blow themselves straight to Hel-"

A Chibi ninja appears, whispering something into Bones' ear.

"What's that? You're saying that the Brotherhood is under new leadership? Who!? Huh? The cat? Really?? I see..."

Bones clears his throat.

*Ahem*

"Yes, so I'm leaving the Brotherhood control of a few interesting assets. You can expect a delivery... shortly."

---Elsewhere across Muffinville---

There was a flicker in Brotherhood HQ as a small Mail Portal opens. From it emerges a Chibi on a moped; the Mail Chibi!

"Pardon me," he says, approaching Missy with a clipboard. "This the Brotherhood? Got a delivery." Apparently in his absence he had been taking English lessons at Night School.

[AmbushCat]

Missy: *in deliberately mangled Japanese* Arigatou, bakku-shan. *takes the clipboard and signs her name before handing it back*

Bahija: *still trying to break free* Uh, boss? That's a guy.

Missy: *rolls her eyes* Now's not the time to indulge your fantasies, sheep girl.

Bahija: No no, boss. "Bakku-shan" refers to a woman who's attractive from behind, but not the front. Trust me, I know a woman when I see one.

Missy: *stares at Bahija for a few moments, her expression unreadable, before turning to the Mail Chibi* So, any idea what these things are that Boney's giving me?

[Feng]

The Chibi taps his chin, speaking in the strange clicking language of Chibish. There is a faint hint of a Penguin dialect with the emphasis on the final syllable. He shakes his head, realizing his language is slipping.

"To be fair, I haven't a clue, as I'm just a neutral delivery guy. Most of these things were sealed in tight crates the size of houses. Human houses at that."

He headtilts.

"To be honest, I've spent a few years as a woman during school. You shouldn't eat free cookies offered by bubbly women with good intentions?"

It seems to be some poorly translated Chibi idiom. Some days he really missed using the signs.

"Ah! But I did get a peak at some things. The giant mechanical spider thing looks like it could be fun to drive on a weekend, when traffic is light. Don't quite trust the giant blue box thing though. I think that thing was trying to talk to me. I think it was trying to compliment my 'womanly hips?'?"

He shrugs.

"Anyways, do you have a place that can store large arsenal surplus? I think Bones just wanted me to drop it off on your doorstep, but the Penguin Express has higher standards than that."

---

Meanwhile

"Of course some things are more troublesome to dispose of. Normally I would entrust the care of my various collection of occult artifacts and tomes to the care of the Exorcists but from what I've heard, they too have chosen to retire. Good riddance!"

There is an odd pause as Bones looked away from the camera for a bit a pensive expression on his face.

"Anyways, the CTC will no doubt be pleased to know I've carefully disposed of said dangerous objects in an appropriate manner. Surely no one will stumble across these highly dangerous objects...."

<In a construction yard somewhere on the outskirt of town....>

The Chibiwanbanshu had toiled on building the hole for about a month; it was rather hard to find enough room due to all the bodies and toxic materials that were already buried in this spot. An entire contingent of diggers had to be dismissed when they stumbled on a crate of radioactive tomapples....

"Alright. Keep it coming" said a Chibi foreman, signaling the crane as it slowly lowered the massive crates into the expanse.

"I'm a little miffed he isn't letting us keep track of this stuff. Half of the items in the crate are stolen Chibi artifacts you know..." said a minion in Chibish.

"Its for the best. I mean you remember when that rogue priest summoned that giant Penguin demon right? No, without their toys maybe the Smoking One, Flaming One, and their numerous kin can play a little nicer with one another. I certainly don't miss our little shadow war with the various tribes."

"Heh. I still can't believe that ditzy girl trapped Flaming Pepper into that cute form. For an Avatar of War she's awfully cute..."

The last of the crates were slowly lowered.

"Soooo..... We're not offing each other off to hide the location of this stuff are we?" said the minion nervously. "I mean, I got a wife and two daughters at home."

"Nah, it's fine" said the foreman, watching as the hole was sealed with dirt. Soon the entire place would be paved over with concrete.

"You sure this place is safe though? There are some dark, powerful forces trapped in those crates!"

"Relax. This is the middle of nowhere. What human would be foolish enough to wander out here?"

Behind the pair was a massive billboard touting the site as the future site of the Syllinia Memorial Playground, paid for by the "Paola Foundation".

"Yeah.... Not a chance."

[AmbushCat]

"Ah! But I did get a peak at some things. The giant mechanical spider thing looks like it could be fun to drive on a weekend, when traffic is light. Don't quite trust the giant blue box thing though. I think that thing was trying to talk to me. I think it was trying to compliment my 'womanly hips?'?"

He shrugs.

"Anyways, do you have a place that can store large arsenal surplus? I think Bones just wanted me to drop it off on your doorstep, but the Penguin Express has higher standards than that."

Missy: Yeah, sure. Take it around the back and use the service entrance. The elevator there goes down straight into the hangar. *cheerfully* You hear that, Bahija? *sing-song* Target practice~!

Bahija: *sweatdrops* Um... I'm happy for you, but why do I have to be the target?

Missy: Because bullseyes cost an arm and a leg, and the brass demons are getting tired of regenerating. Deal with it.

"Relax. This is the middle of nowhere. What human would be foolish enough to wander out here?"

Behind the pair was a massive billboard touting the site as the future site of the Syllinia Memorial Playground, paid for by the "Paola Foundation".

"Yeah.... Not a chance."

*Elsewhere, for reasons she can't explain, Ellen feels incredibly pensive. It's as if a great act of stupidity was currently in progress... but that couldn't be right, could it?*

[Ebony]

Don't worry about it Ellen. That will be dealt with shortly. *Ebony is sitting near the group in her human form.*

[AmbushCat]

Ellen: ...Whatever it is, I hope so. *nudges Amber* ...Mom? Your turn.

*The broadcast abruptly cuts off, and Amber blinks herself back to awareness. Murmuring something apologetically, she takes her turn and the game continues.*

Eebon: There's leftover tuna cakes in the fridge if you want any, Aunt Ebony. Gaw.

[Ebony]

Oh nice. No one minds if I have one or two then?

******
*Raleigh appears where the chibi had just buried all their stuff.* Really thought this would stop anyone? Some of us here aren't affected by things like physical barriers. This might as well be sitting in the open. *Slips into the earth without disturbing anything much like he has done with various walls and the like in the past.*

[AmbushCat]

Elk: Go ahead, go ahead. No leftovers tomorrow means no leftovers tomorrow!