What is this... Nostalgia? Wistfulness? Retrospection? O.o

[Mitera Nikkou]

Note: This shouldn't be taken as some evidence of impending suicide or something like that. It's just a lot of nonsense and babble. I do believe that the subject is lost within somewhere though, here and there. ^_^;;

You know... I've been here for almost three years now. For almost three years MSF has been a recurring part of my thinking processes. I think about the place... I think about the events that take place and have taken place... I think about the things that I want to do, or what others are doing (or even what they could be doing)... Above all, I think about the people, the individuals. I try my best to remember details about every person despite how bad my memory is, and I try to devote some time interacting with them despite my lack of focus. I love being around people even though it's such a strain on my brain to keep up with; and if I have too much on my mind I'm practically disabled from doing much of anything significant, which has been the case for the past few months now. And when the day's through and I think about all of the nothing that I've done, I wonder about what I've missed, and why. My mind simply being occupied by thoughts distracts me from getting stuff done, which is partly why I tend to stray from making big posts... Because it could take me hours just to make one of them, and that takes a lot of focus that I don't usually have and the amount of time it takes for me to get something done doesn't help at all. I look in the Muffin everyday, a place full of fun, randomness and camaraderie but, nowadays, for the most part, I just can't keep up with it. I peek in and look for anything bot-spam-like, see if there's any new threads that look interesting, and perhaps I'll post there before it's anywhere between three and twelve pages long the next time that I look... Within twenty-four hours. I hope that the activity's a sure enough sign of happiness and wish people well while at the same time I'm depressed because I can't really get involved. There are other places too, like the Soap Box; oh, do I ever have a lot of posts on my mind to post in in there. Unfortunately... They'd be long posts and I've only managed to get a few in whenever my mind happens to be cooperative. Heck, nowadays most of my post count no longer comes from the Games room and Muffin room. ^_^;

But now I've rather strayed away from the point of this whole post... Which, if it wasn't for a whim, I wouldn't have decided to make when I was actually ready to go to bed. But I do a lot of my thinking when I'm in bed, thinking about situations that haven't happened that could happen, thinking of posts to make in reply to other posts that I won't be able to concentrate on when I'm up and running, and just wondering about stuff in general. Yesterday I had done a lot of thinking about funerals... I've never been to one, I don't like them, I don't understand them, and there's a bunch of things surrounding them that make me glad that I don't have any interest in attending one, even if it involved someone dear to me. But I may save that topic for another day... Who knows? I certainly don't.

Anyway... When I came to MSF, it was the first real community that I ever decided to join. To really get into it. I had at least one caption ready on my way in. Before then I had literally avoided any investigation of the link that directed the browser to the messageboard proper. My mind was a real mess (and still is, relatively speaking), but I decided to dig in despite my irrational fears, my nonexistent self-esteem, my lack of self-respect and confidence... You know, those sorts of things. And while it seems that that's not the case today, at least as badly, well... I've just learned to hide it better. The biggest impetus for that, I think, was probably because of the people that I encountered and showed that they had expectations of me. They saw things about myself that I didn't see and, to this day, either I still don't or I have a hard time making out anything. But that's a very complicated mess... If there hadn't been any want or need of me, I probably wouldn't be here right now. However, despite my lack of faith in myself, I still give things a try. I figure that trying is better than never confronting, although I often wonder about the negative impacts I have on things and people because of the poor jobs that I do. I often notice that I'm not needed and in turn I berate myself for being selfish, for wanting to be needed. And if I'm not hating myself over that, then I hate myself for not knowing what I do anything for. Is it for myself or others? Of course, I often suspect the former... Even though I'd like it to be the latter.

And all of this even though my feelings about something are rarely wrong. Sometimes I wonder if I fear being correct... I have ideas, questions and arguments yet no real opinion of my own. I have a very hard time settling on something in such a way as to recognize it as a defining piece of the puzzle that is me. I've begun to wonder if I draw all of my inspiration from those I come into contact with, in one form or another; I had been a bit of a copycat of sorts before high school, before depression set in and I lost my nerve around people. Especially when I finally realized what I had been doing and what they probably thought about it.

I guess that once again brings me back to the crux of this thing... I guess that I may be dependent on living through other people. I don't really know. I've received plenty of encouragement throughout my time here, although I'm sure that no one really realizes just what that asks of me. I need people, but at the same time it brings a lot of stress. It doesn't help that I even question my love for others, particularly because of how detached, depressed and wretched I am. I don't like to accept friendships because I find it unfair that it only works one way, because I don't feel like I live up to my end of the arrangement. At least I think that friendship should be a mutual relationship... I have a hard time with commitments of any kind. I've almost left MSF several times, but I've bounced back each time because the people here inspire me to try again... Even though there's no telling what horrors I believe I'll bring next. I just wonder when said rubber will dry up and harden; it's definitely a matter of when rather than if. I have ideas for things that I can do for when I leave, but none of them involve being social. I can already feel how hollow that would be, and I simply can't decide which is better between being in conflict with one's self and feeling hollow. Perhaps they're just the same in scale.

I have a lot of regrets. I try hard to remember my failings so that I can somehow rectify them one day. I'm ashamed that I've forgotten the name of the person that liked wrestling, and had wanted to make a career out of it, but it pales in comparison to the response that I made to one of their posts, that I can only remember as being wrong. It had happened a long while ago... I have no idea how my head had been attached that day, or if it had been attached at all. And it didn't help that it only recently occurred to me that I should contact them and apologize for what I had done. Things like this make me ashamed of myself, especially when others see me in such a more positive light. Even the smallest amount of such light makes me feel like curling up under some rock. Yet I try to endure... And I don't know why. I have all of these wonderful people around me... In so many ways I feel that I don't belong, here or anywhere. I have these hopes and dreams... But none I can fulfill on my own and none would I willingly foster onto anyone else, for many reasons. There had once been someone in a position to help me realize one of my dreams, a good while ago, who hadn't been aware of their position. But I detached myself from them when they made it obvious how they needed their own break as well, perhaps searching out for it as I still do. It hadn't been exactly what I had been after, but a beggar can't be a chooser, as they say. It has been so long since then... They had given me so much, perhaps the very determination and means of making it this far, whether if they'll ever know it or not. Yet... I had nothing to offer them. Even to this day I have seen nothing but my failure to reciprocate in some way. And they are, by far, not the only one that I feel I have let down in such a way. I know so many people, they have come and gone, and even come and gone again, and it pains me when they leave for good because I know I've failed somewhere significant. I know that that's a silly expectation of myself, but that's just how I feel about it.

I look back, back when I joined MSF... I had known very well that I wouldn't be ready for this social stuff, not be ready for what I felt would happen. I say, "hey, don't worry about what I say; I'm not worried about it, so neither should you be worried," but not everyone sees it that way. Sometimes, such as times like these, I say and do things with indifference, but that's not how people tend to read what I type. I wonder if anyone can imagine my blank, listless visage as I type silly things, puns and jokes... Because that is the reality of it. Any animation seen in my posts is just an expression of words rather than inspired by an expression of my feelings. It's nothing to be worried about, of course... Even though I'm aware that some would be concerned regardless of what I say. The smart thing would be to never mention it, but I tend to just go with what I feel and, well... This is where my whimsy has led me. I simply can't manage manual control very well; my brain fries if I stray too far, and for too long, from automatic. A few weeks of such manual override has led to the last few months of my lack of... Well, things in general. I said, "hell, why not put together this sister site thing, find a way to take care of this spam, try to update the site every week, revise an old story, write a new story, keep up with the activity at both MSF and Fukufics, maintain a daily nabbing at Moeboard (^_^; ), try to get back into IRC and IMs, make some new captions, manage a universe myself, put an event together..." Among a few other things. It's needless to say that I haven't been able to do much of any of that for a few months. I'm just wiped out.

Such a deceiving subject... But that's what I ended up with before I really knew what I was going to write. I just have a bunch of loosely-tied-together and jumbled thoughts. Oh, right... Back when I first came to MSF. One of the feelings that I had felt, that I had feared, was that I would end up in a certain position despite how flawed I must have been to others. I really don't know how anyone can see me worthy of even a moderatorship, but that's what happened even though I had been very candid about my fears... Though I never mentioned that I had expected them. But I'm such a sucker for a lot of things... Trying against all reasonable (and unreasonable) doubt is one thing that I'm a sucker for. Not disappointing others and their expectations... Though I'm sure that I have brought much disappointment somewhere, even if I'm not aware of it.

But here I am... I've fought and fallen, arisen and licked my wounds, and most of the battle was with myself. But now I can feel my pace slowing... I feel, on the horizon, my inevitable leave of the social scene. I've tried to bear it but it's just too much for me in too many ways. And the less I interact with people, many of whom that I care about, the less inclined I feel to even try being positive with myself. I think back on how things used to be, when Kimiko and I chatted on a daily basis, the discussions that Sophia/Etheric and I had, the silly and often pointless conversations that Sesshi and I had had, the repartee that Karm and I often ended up doing... Even more recent ones, new ones, such as Neige, at a time when I am rarely able to get myself on any instant messenger more than once or thrice a month. Although, in her case, it is, in part, because I don't want her to feel like I'm using her for something. Either way my opinion of myself finds new lows and I'm having trouble pulling myself out of the abyss I've tossed myself into.

The beginning had started out so hectic and I had done all that I could do just to keep up (and girl had that been a mess as well as a lesson and a half), but now I simply drift away and become more distant. It's just... I should say that it shouldn't be this way and that I shouldn't let it be, but my feelings don't often fail me. Even my logic and reasoning come from my feelings. Sophia, if you read this, you should already know and understand what I mean in regard to destiny and fate. I know my fate and have chosen a destiny. I simply can not claim that I can appreciate, respect or love anyone if I can't even do that for myself. And I simply can't like someone who can't, even if it's myself.

Yeesh... Here's the point where I realize that I can just delete this and save myself from causing problems. But... I dunno... I just felt like doing it and I feel that I've invested too much into this post to pull out now. I have no idea what this thing is supposed to accomplish... None. It just felt right to do. ^_^; Still... *Adds something to the top of the post*

[Musashi]

Nothin' wrong with a rambly post. It can be good to get all that out. Sometimes I wonder about doing the same, and sometimes I do on LJ, but I don't always say everything I want to... cause I'm lazy and forgetful. :P And cause I'll look back on my thoughts and think "Well, that's silly, no one needs to see that."

Being social is hard. Sometimes I get overwhelmed, which is why in the past I've even had to ask people to not IM me every single time they see me online. I get hermit-y and hide. I can't handle a lot at once, and I feel bad cause I feel like I end up neglecting people, or hurting feeings.

It can help to just take a break for a while. Rest and relax from the social-ness, then come back, then take a break again, and so on. You can be friends with people without constantly talking to them.

Anyway, no matter what you say, I still think you're awesome and I care about ya a lot. *HUGS* So there. :P

[Raleigh]

Nikkou, I understand much of what you have typed there and really wished there was some wonderful advice I could give that could help you out or at least not panic you. Sadly I am not a great wordsmith nor in touch enough with emotions myself to say something that would truly be relevant. I can say that during most of my life on the net, which is about 3/4's of my entire life span, I have from time to time taken a break as long as 3 months to half a year as needed to keep from suffering some sort of burnout.

I know that one fills obligated to stick around, maintain things for others enjoyment, and be social simply because if they aren't others will be unhappy, but I can honestly say in my opinion it is best to take the time you need for yourself since burning out helps no one at all.

I don't know if you typed that to say you are going to be taking a leave of absense or really just to get something off your chest, but I recommend you do what you have to do. Take care and whatever the choice, consider my support, for what it is worth, to be behind ya.

[Chibi MitchellTF]

*glomps da Nikkou* You need a hug.

[Mitera Nikkou]

I made the post because that's just what ended up happening. I had been ready for bed, decided to check around MSF one more time, wondering if I should toss in a topic about funerals or not, and I ended up spending at least three hours without any real clue on where the track was taking me. I hardly ever know until the end, whereupon I read what I wrote and find out. Perhaps toss in some spelling corrections; I mean, hey, I'm a bit of a perfectionist.

The problem is that what I want to do is not compatible with who I am. Rhyme and reason isn't anything near a significant part of my character. Responsibilities, regimens, schedules, consistencies, habits, routines, repetition, traditions; things that require too much attention and focus on one thing are things that I can't keep up with. Sleep? Even if I had a job, which I wouldn't be able to handle for more reasons than just the routine, I simply wouldn't (and can't) make an arrangement to fall asleep and wake up around the same time every time. Even though I can sleep as much as I want I still have days when I can't sleep much or at all, so it's not like arranging certain times is going to help anything. And schedules? I can't even keep up with the shows that I really want to watch, partly because of how my sleeping hours are sometimes. I know when the shows come on, I know that the TV's available at those times, but I'll simply be distracted or unmotivated to just get up and watch them even though I'd really like to. It's hard to do much of anything when you're absent-minded from time to time. Just yesterday I was going to the pantry to get some tuna fish, because I was hungry, but I walked past it and went into the bathroom, turned on the light and was about to close the door before I realized that I hadn't gone that way to use the bathroom... I had used the bathroom just a short time before and my body wasn't telling me that I needed to do anything. Bathing? Now that's something that takes a lot more motivation than a lot of other things... Partly because my parents never really bothered to get me into the habit. I may, may, take a shower in a few days, so I can go out in public and go to the cinema at the mall for Pirates of the Caribbean. My last shower was back in September... And I don't even remember why I had taken one. You'd think that they'd be more memorable because they happen so infrequently. Well, rarely may be more accurate. Oh, wait, it was for staying over at my mother's husband's mother's house during one of the times that the house got bombed, where I ended up reading the book of Job on a whim.

I just don't have the stability of mind for much endurance of anything. If humans were materials I'd certainly not be considered one for building things that you depend on for staying a certain way, doing a certain thing, or maintaining the same performance for a suitable period of time. A lot of people try to find the path of least resistance, but a lot of what I'm after doesn't have that option open for me when it's often available for others. Well, things are bound to be different, and so they are. I certainly can't stand much of the same thing for too long; if the computer (and subsequently the Internet) didn't have so many different things to offer me, I wouldn't be able to stand sitting at my desk all of the time. As it is I'd still rather be doing something else rather than sitting here again, but the relatively endless amount of possibilities on the Internet easily outweighs that complaint. I mean, on a whim I could decide to read something about Boudica, or check out pictures of wet kittens, or come across a place with a silly flash movie.

In the end a meaningful relationship of any kind just isn't possible. When someone leaves I see another opportunity passing me by... Although that person would probably be better off that way. ^_^; People will still do what they want to do, and see things how they want to see them, but I'll still see myself alone if I'm in a crowd... Even if that crowd were a bunch of clones of myself. I dunno... Relatively I'm still young and have time to do things, but I have a problem being able to stick with something long enough to actually do it. I usually don't know how much energy I have, when I have it, and what it'd be good for. I even have a problem with organization. Just considering what order my priorities come in can delay stuff from getting done for a long, long time. When I do get something of importance done, it's usually one of those moments where I think, "ah, what the heck," and end up doing it with little thought. That's kind of how it was with this post... I got to reading, and I wanted to post a response, but it wasn't until a few hours later, while in the middle of watching a video on Youtube (which is still paused) that I decided to get around to it. And, well, here you go.

So there's nothing to really worry about. I'm just another messed up person of many who are looking for solutions that will work out for them. I don't want to leave MSF but sticking with it, and all that it comes with it, is more detrimental to the solving of my personal problems than the alternative, although even the alternative doesn't seem all that better for me. I guess that the best that I can do is live one day at a time and whatever happens will happen.

[Rowan]

Wow.

You almost moved me to tears which is quite a feat in of itself.


I can empathize with a lot of what you said. Forget just understanding, I've experienced more than a little of what you spoke of.

It is a terrible thing being a person that is in conflict with themself. Or not having many solid opinions. If someone came up to me with a convincing enough argument they could change my opinion of almost anything.

As much as I love social contact with people, I hate it. I'm uncomfortable with people in real life. All my dear friends are online and I only have a few of them who I cling to. I'm generally terrified of joining new online communities. It takes me days if not weeks of research and psyching myself up just to register. (Like when I joined the MSF Community.)

I hate trying something new for fear of looking or being foolish. I avoid making comittments like the plague. If I was forced tomorrow to get a job I would have no clue what to do with myself. If I can't make a living inventing things I'll have no recourse.

I can't think of many things over which I'm not conflicted. I mean, name something, anything, and I'll be divided over it.

I often worry I don't do enough with my interpersonal relationships and often try to overcompensate while at the same time absolutely refuse to really put myself out for others. Except that I do sometimes because, I'm conflicted with myself. (Ok, very good thing swearing isn't allowed on the boards here or this letter of "confession" would be littered with profanity just because its hard for me to put these things into words and solidify them in the realm outside my head. I don't like admitting all this to myself, except I do because I'm conflicted )

Sometimes I'll have a wonderful rapport with someone and still feel all alone in the world except once in awhile I'll meet a special person who really connects with me. And while I would be totally happy to shun all human contact I know I would be miserable whether I realized it or not.

Sometimes I root for a cataclysm of some kind, like a zombie invasion because I know I could deal with that much better than with the world as it is. I could be a hero and not the total loser I see myself as sometimes in between bouts of worshipping my own deific awesomeness (I exaggerate that last point somewhat for effect but my opinion of myself does bounce between very high and very low without much of a stop in the middle area. Unless you count bouts of what is probably mild depression as a middle ground.)

In the end I find it hard to actually define myself because sometimes it feels like I don't have a self. I'm a very nebulous person and trying to describe myself honestly is hard because I only have a few solid descriptors. I can describe my physical state but that doesn't tell you or me who I am. Going through it in my mind, the best I can do is an incomplete skeletal framework of who I am because of both my conflicted existence and my lack of solid beliefs and feelings. Come to think of it that may even my symptomatic of my lack of socialness because some of how we define ourselves is how other people see us.

ARRRRRGH!

*sigh*

Maybe you should rename this the "Strange Thread of Rambling Self Confession"? hahaha.

[Rowan]

Oh no! I've killed another thread!

KHAAAAAAN!!

[Mitera Nikkou]

It's just playing dead. ;p I've been meaning to respond, but I haven't been able to get around to it yet. Well, 'sides this, since it's not a meaningful one. Stay tuned! @_@

[Rowan]

Haha, alrighty.

*Doesn't touch that dial*

[Cow Belle]

Ah but I do! ^_^

*touches that dial*

Nikkou, I think maybe you worry to much. Nobody can really be everywhere and every time. It's ok if you miss a few opportunities around here. The world will not end. I think every one enjoys you more that you think too.

Also I had the same problem when I was a kid with the bathing/shower thing. My advice to you is that you get some time management. Just say that "I'm going to take a shower just before I go to bed", and stick to it. It's still hard I know. (I was in the same place with that too). You just got to want to do it.

Nikkou you are a great person! You care about people! That's the greatest gift of all that you can give to us! ^_^

*starts up the Nikkou is great song*

[Sophia Anieri]

You might not believe me when I tell you this, but you've more than held up "your end" of our friendship. You've been there for me when I needed help. If I've done half for you of what you've done for me, I would count that a true accomplishment.

I know it's hard to accept the confidence others place in you -- it always seems like it comes with strings attached. But I firmly believe that you will find your niche some day. It might be here, or it might not. Until then, I hope you hope for the best, and because I know you, I know you'll plan for the worst. But that intuition of yours has served you well so far. Trust your feelings.

You'll do fine, Nikkou. Your friends, past, present, and future are all rooting for you.

[Mitera Nikkou]

I live!

Rowan:

I'm not exactly sure as to what to say. I prefer to keep my problems to myself, but sometimes they just come out. Who am I to argue against actually putting in enough focus to say or do anything meaningful, right? Even if I don't know what the meaning is. XD;;

Plenty of people are in a bad way with life; I'm pretty sure that plenty of people have it worse than I do, on a perceptional level. Which is to say that what we consider to be bad depends on the person, and so to does someone's tolerance and threshold vary.

The best that I can do is to just live. Which isn't much of a life, but what can you do? Whichever way the wind blows and all that.

Cow Belle:

But I wanna be omnipresent! And omni-attentive. And omni-everything. ;p I just think that it's a drag when practically everything that I'm interested in is out of my reach.

Sophia:

I'm not looking for a niche... I'm my own personal niche. ;p It just sucks that I can't handle much of a workload when things that require workloads, that I'm trying to handle, are far too overbearing for me for one reason or another, usually for multiple reasons.

Like this administrator thing... It really weighs me down. Just coming to MSF consecutively weighs me down as well. But I like to try things despite the difficulty, so I had decided to bring up becoming an administrator instead of being offered, which was the usual manner in which I progressed anywhere (even though I didn't accept every time). I don't think that I do all that much of a decent job, but I just had the feeling that I should do it and, well, I couldn't escape the feeling and not go for it. I don't really know what to think about it... When people look around, though, they'll notice how quiet the other moderators and administrators are. I think that the vast majority of them haven't been all that active, and some absent, for a long, long time. I know that at least some of them are around, mostly browsing, but, to me, it just feels right when those that take care of something would do better to make their presence known. People have their lives, and I doubt they just up and hoisted a bunch of stuff on me, but this sort of position is very hard for/on me. As much as I like to help things, I do a lot better behind the scenes doing odd jobs without anyone knowing I was involved. But, here I am, practically (but not literally) alone in the Mod room, wondering why someone better hadn't asked to be an administrator, and whether it had been my administratorship that had caused a decline in activity in the first place. Sure, they have lives that limit their time here, and I respect and understand that, but... I dunno. I guess my ideas of how this sort of stuff should work isn't the norm.

[Rowan]

Thanks. I started typing and it just flowed out haha.

I'd ask to be staff to help you out but I haven't been here very long. And quite frankly I think you do an awesome job as admin!

[Mitera Nikkou]

I don't think that how long you've been here is much of an issue. For instance, I was approached for becoming a moderator after only one week. ^_^; Although it did have to be put off for a month for a couple of reasons, since I was new and no one really knew me well enough to understand how it had happened. Funny thing is, there has only been one forum, out of all of the forums I've ever been to, that I was never offered a position of moderatorship. But that one was Nekio and there wasn't much that I could do there, and I never had much interest to really get involved. I just liked to browse the images. ^_^;

Yeah, these forum places are silly. They bring out the silly side of me. :O

[Rowan]

Odd. Similarly I usually end up taking over any project I get involved with and I have no clue how it happens

Nothing wrong with crazy and silly though.