I'm Going to Freak Out Now

[SweetSophia]

Things suck and I need to vent.

It dawns on me with an eerie lucidity now that I'm alone. My friends at various stages in life have been nearly all deserted save one remaining chum with whom I share a tenuous at best internet connection. It calls into question how much of friends they really were. Not that they were bad people or even mean to me, no. Just that my nature of quiet, secrecy and paranoia kept them at arms length, preventing me from ever making a real connection with people. That combined with the frequency with which I used to move around afforded me few real friends. And, the sad thing is, I miss my brothers. As horrible as they were to me, as often as I had been thrown in the dryer, had my life threatened and sustained probably life damaging head injuries from association with the psychopath and the lier, they were probably the only ones close to my own age who knew me as well as they did and would tolerate me despite my issues, predilection towards physical contact -positive and negative- and hyperactive annoyingness. Heck, the lier helped talk me out of suicide when I was younger and helped give me my sunny yet sarcastic disposition on life. It never occurred to me before how alone I was until I go home at night and there's nobody to try and drive crazy, there's nobody to drive me insane and get on my nerves until I threaten physical violence. Sure, there's my roommate, but we're both kind of shy and reserved. We have a mutual respect and kindness that I wouldn't want to breech in that way. It's really sad. After high school, I thought I was ok to have social relationships again after the miserable tragedy of middle school and ninth grade, I thought I could be able to talk and be comfortable around people, but the words don't come. I can carry a conversation when I know a topic or have a depressing yet funny story about a head injury caused by a brother, but other than that, I resort to short answers and uncomfortable silences. I'm a frikkin' social Pariah. It doesn't help matters that everyone knows everyone. People all went off to college in big groups who share rooms, meet up and have bang-a-rang times reminiscing about their crook-nosed, mumbly history teacher who they were convinced was a were-wolf and all I can do is nod. I'm the only one in my graduating class going to UTK. My name was all lonely and depressing in the little program. Not to mention that it took me a couple of years to get the money to go here so the little lapse in age and time has made me even more separated from my freshman peers.

All this just leaves me alone. Any friends I do make I seem to keep at arms length with my closely guarded gender identity issues -that I'm fiercely terrified that the freak-a-billy bible beaters that hang out in front of the library will find out and murder me inside with their hatred, oh why do they subscribe to such antiquated beliefs and messages of brimstone and fire when God is compassionate and understanding, probably the third friend I've got before or after my brothers- and social inadequates not to mention that I inevitably play it off as aloof independence and contempt. And, any friends I ever tried to make in relation to my gender or sexual identity ended up being creepy forty-year old guys who wanted to cheat on their wives with me (no dice Joe) or forty year old guys in ill-fitting dresses who were more feminine and obsessed with clothing, makeup and skirts than I could scarcely tolerate. The last category were ok people, I just can't carry on entire conversations like that.

The first week or two of college, I was so distracted by the novelty and my group of "friends" who I roughly fitted in with despite them all having come from the same, not my school, that I failed to notice my own misery, but their partial absence as school's curriculum and activities became more time consuming, a really depressing play and an entire box of the Everlasting Gobstoppers made this all paramount in my thoughts. Gobstoppers are depressing too because they're called "Everlasting" but are good for 50ish seconds before you crunch them and they're gone.

Am I ever going to be able to make "real" friends? How in Davy Jones and the Monkee's name am I going to know how they'll react to who and what I am? I'm too much of an insecure coward to join any organization of GLBT or Progressive Student Alliance. That requires me to tell people what I am straight up at face value and I just can't get words like that out. And, nobody's waiting for me to come home. I don't have my brothers as a home base to come back to when I can't talk to other people. I'm finally alone in this world and it's about to drive me crazy. Not killing crazy. You have to confront people if you want to kill them and that's currently beyond my abilities, besides the fact that I try to like everyone. It doesn't help that I have an entire day's worth of downtime every two days that I find myself wandering around and doing bupkis with. I'm not expecting anyone to pull out a magic super-answer out of their butts of hats or whatever they like to pull stuff out of and make me feel like gold-plated caviar again. No, this is something I have to work on myself, perhaps with help, but still. It just helps to have someone to talk with.

So yeah, college is going ok. I think I'm doing well and I've made some friends...

[Selena Aninikkou]

*hugs* I know how you feel. Want to discuss "alone"? I'm 25 in a group of 18-19 year olds, and I don't trust anybody after high school.

[Rowan]

*BIG HUGS*

[Haylie]

Well, we all gotta vent sometime, right? I hope you get over those problems quick, because they aren't always little. Speaking of venting, I have a bit to do myself.
I should have a girlfriend by now, being 17 and all, but if it makes you feel better, none of the girls at my school will spare me a passing glance, and I can't bench-press to save my life.
I'm missing a finger on my left hand. Bad run-in with a lawn-mower.
I just KNOW I'm gonna end up failing this year at school.
My anxiety is getting worse. I know this because I snapped at a friend today and got a bruise or two.
I am DIRT POOR.
I am technically only half-sane.
That's about all I got.

But hey, look at the bright side, right?
You had more friends than I do, and at least you HAVE brothers. Can't say much about the head injury, other than I hope it gets better.
You got friends here, ya dope. And if people can't accept you for who you are, then screw them, nobody asked them.
You seem pretty good at conversing to me.
Nobody's home for me, either. Mom and Dad get home after a while, but we don't do/say much. At all. But that just affords us more alone time, right? I like being alone.

Hopefully, that makes you feel better. Oh, and please don't kill yourself, we like you too much.

[Stellar]

Hmm... I wish I had personal advice, or some useful input. The only people I have when i'm not at work is my mom, and two or three friends that will drag me out of the house on occasion once or twice a month. Then again, i'm not certain if they only drag me out of the house to crowded places to see me start panic when my agoraphobia sets in.

Perhaps a story of my last outing will brighten your day, I know it's brightened others =p Me and my friend Paul went to see Incubus in concert a couple weekends ago. We arrived horribly late, missed Saliva all together, and got to catch the last few songs from Chevelle. Keep in mind that I'm making us stand in the back to be as less crowded as possible.

In the half hour intermission while the stage and instruments were being set up for Incubus, this comepletely wasted guy stumbles on me and Paul. He's on his cell phone trying to explain to a guy that's just as wasted as he is how to find him. He puts his arm around Paul, "Hey~ Can, can you tell my friend where we are?" Paul doesn't take the phone, he just sort of shouts into it the name of the stand we're near. The guy then looks at me and holds the phone out to me, "Here, he likes talking to chicks, you try." After spending two minutes I gave the phone back to the guy and shrugged, "He said he's near the stage and can't see the sign of the stand..."

He shrugs also and puts his phone away then puts his arm around me and looks back and forth at me and Paul, "Are you two dating?" We both reply no then the guy stares at me for a minute, "Wait, are you a chick?" "Uhm, idealy..." "No, it's cool if you're not" I shrugged his arm off me cause my hair was down and it was causing my head to be pulled back, so I quickly tied it up, "Whatever you wanna think.. I don't force people to see me any specific way." The guy puts his arm back over my shoulder and gets my pony tail caught between my back and his arm this time.

"Well then," he looks back and forth between me and Paul, "Are you two like gay lovers then?" I shook my head and Paul spoke up first, "No.. I'm straight." I nooded, "yea, i only find girls attractive." He shakes his head, "Come on, you don't have to lie to me, it's cool. If anyone has anything to say about your guys's relationship I'll kick their ass."

Finally my head was starting to ache from him and the way my pony tail was caught so I shrugged his arm off again and pulled my pony tail infront of me. While I had my arm up his hand moved just beneath my armpit, sat there for a second then reached further around and blatantly groped me. Paul was staring at the ground trying to not be embarrased as it was, so I stepped away blushing brightly and kept my distance while the narcotic driven man continued to babble to Paul comparing girls butts in the crowd before us. Finally he wandered off when he got bored with us, then Incubus got on stage and kicked some major ass.

Fun times being a girl at a rock concert >.> Anyway I'll hush since I've typed too much, but hopefully my experience got you to laugh and give you something to grin about when you think about it =)

[Mitera Nikkou]

Hmmmm... Well, what to say after a vent, right? You finished your end of it, and now we get to figure out how to respond. ;p

The one thing that I can recommend is to never give up on trying to attain what you're missing. It's better to spend your time trying to fill the empty space than wasting time lamenting said empty space.

And if it helps, we're not too much unlike each other. I'm twenty-five and I've spent the last... Eight or so years in relative seclusion. I've spent most of that time indoors, and the last four years I'm not even sure if I've left this property more times than I can account for the number of fingers that I have. The only life that I have, if it can be considered a life, is what I do here; otherwise I'm lost to the little fantasy world in my head.

So, you know... I figure that if someone wants something bad enough, they eventually put in enough effort to get what they want/need. I just wouldn't count on the possibility that doing nothing will get someone anywhere. So, if I heard you right, good luck on the uphill battle. Whenever you fall back or feel weary, you always have people here to cushion and nourish with support. At least that's what I would hope would be the case. *Wink, wink; nudge, nudge*

[SweetSophia]

See, this is why I like this place. You guys are cool and I'm already feeling a little better. Much love to you all and hugs all around, my treat. I'm hoping that this experience just amounts to a, forgive my French, kick-ass chapter in my running autobiography.

And, Dante, I'm probably better at writing than I'll ever be at talking to people so if it's typing I probably seem like 78.5(repeating)% more confident and comfortable not to mention that I compulsively edit. If I could carry around one of those giant marker boards I'd probably be much better at interpersonal communication. Sorry if I gave the wrong impression, the head injury, at least the major one, was in Elementary School although I've still got a little dip in the back of my head and occasionally have some memory and balance issues that may or may not be related. The suicide thing is so Middle School; I may have identity issues and be a social Pariah but after a couple of crisis as a kid I've long since come to terms with the fact that I'm awesome and needn't deprive the world of my awesome-nocity.

If nothing else, I do have a good and close knit extended family I really consider my friends when they ain't picking on me. Don't worry, I'm not going to deny that you guys are mondo coolio to the maximus too. If I didn't think that I wouldn't be coming to you with this in the first place. I may not be able to hang with you guys in person, but I certainly can feel comfortable about all aspects of myself here and it's gots tons of cool peoples.

Stellar, I cannot imagine what that must have been like, mostly since I don't really go to concerts. It's an ear thing.. Still, everyone, it is nice to know that awkwardness and being uncomfortable around people is universal. I can't tell you how much I've been trying to avoid those guys down the hall who're always trying for beer. I'd hate to think what would happen if they realized I was 21.

Nikkou (Whom I'm not calling Astraea because it took me three tries to spell and I thought I was good at spelling.), Sophia don't quit. I'm a spoiled youngest child and I'm used to getting exactly what I want even if I have to go through Hell for it... well, not Hell, more like Des Moines, but that's Iowa, girlfriend: Danger Country!

At least I think I'm over the moping phase now that I'm out of my big box of Gobstoppers. Frankly I think I'm swearing off the things, they aren't good for the soul.

[Mitera Nikkou]

If I could carry around one of those giant marker boards I'd probably be much better at interpersonal communication.

I'd think that you'd be even worse off. It might be amusing to see myself doing that, but I can see how people would point and make fun, and, even though I'm not sure what you'd do, I just don't like any attention in general. So are you sure about that assessment? ;p

I didn't think that you'd be a quitter, but I figured that it'd be good to toss in there just in case. I just wonder which makes for better motive to carry onward with: your being spoiled or my being stupid.

[Rowan]

I'm the least social person I know. I'm uncomfortable in large groups even if they're friends and/or family. If its a group of strangers... I'm probably not there.

That's one of the reasons I didn't go to my cousin's wedding.

On the occasions I'm Out and About and not hiding behind a computer screen, I usually stay firmly attached to whomever I'm out with.

[SweetSophia]

Well, I'd probably be better at getting a message across, probably not so good at being subtle or blending in. And it'd suck trying to say something private with a marker board. It's like trying to whisper with a megaphone.

It's cool. Sophia usually gravitates towards people she knows too.

It's kinda funny, ya know. My oldest brother has consistent friends with whom he stays in touch, my little-older brother has a girlfriend and yet my mom seems to think I'm some kinda social butterfly.

[Selena Aninikkou]

If there was one word that could describe my entire life, it would be LONELY.

I was alone at public school, alone at high school, and I'm alone at college. I only leave my house to go to school, and spend the rest of my time in my room...

People scare me, a lot.

[Coruscate]

I'm crashing due to fatique but I wanted to note that friends come and go in life, it's not necessarily that you or they are good or bad, that's just the nature of life. Friendship isn't like a marriage contract, people just come and go ^_^ *shrug*

More later perhaps...

[SweetSophia]

That's true, but I can't help envy those who have been raised in big communities together. Many of my old friends from elementary school still hung out together throughout high school and still keep in touch. I only know this myself because of the aunt of a friend of my friend told my mom who told me. Now, my mom, she's good at communicating. She still knows people who she went to camp with as a kid, my father knew her when she was an itsy-bitsy-baby. There's talk that he might have changed her diapers, but some things are beyond my willing comprehension. I know people who've gone to daycare together, and making a lasting, meaningful friendship is entirely possible, but seems to elude me in more personal terms.

I know there isn't obligations for friends, I know it doesn't reflect on the quality of the person's involved necessarily, I still think myself and all my friends are and were good people, but it does feel like it reflects negatively on my own social abilities. Sometimes it just feels that if I was just trying harder to connect, or maybe picked up a phone in a while, that I could be that much closer to lasting friendships, but though my graces are manifold, my social grace is distinctly lacking.

But it's cool. Nobody's perfect and I'm a work in progress.

[Stellar]

*points to her signature* The song is mostly about the relationship two people share, how arguments can occur from misunderstandings, and how it takes patience and communication from both people to hold a lasting bond.

I usually separate the "even diamonds start as coal" phrase in reference to myself and my transformation though =p (which is why it's in my signature) Cause rather then using the overdone blossoming flower allusion I'd rather pass through divine fires to be reformed into something far more beautiful and everlasting

[ZeroForever]

what coru and most everyone else has said already.

life goes on, the life time friendships are a rare thing though it happens. Trust and friendship are fickle things but there good to have, the fact that you can recognize issues you have though unplesant at times is a good thing overall.

either way best of luck with freshman year.