Untitled Story (pt. 1) by Jayme

[Arkain]

Well, unless it's done illegally, there will always be a record of your record, so to speak (and even if illegally, someone is gonna remember otherwise. Every record pertaining to you everywhere would also have to be altered.)

[Mistress Guendolen]

I thought I was the only person who called myself a spelling and grammar Nazi. I elected not to mention that sort of thing on my intial review; I tend to pull out those sort of details more on careful close reads.

Nice story. I'm a bit confused what tense you're writing in when there are things like "I stumble" side by side with "I managed". I used to do that alot so it stands out to me. And, being a grammar nazi in training, I'd have to kill myself if I didn't point out the uncapitalized "im" without an apostrphe in the third paragraph. But, I like the story and want to hear more.

Your mom's reaction reminds me of my mom's attendance policy: "If you're not bleeding to death or puking up a lung, you're going to school."

[Jayme]

>.> <.< I redid the story, opinions still welcome!

~~~~

~~~~

My name is James Tomitan, let me give you information about myself. I'm 21 years old, 5 foot 11 inches tall, I weigh about 200 pounds, fat and muscle. I'm pretty strong all things considered, physically id be considered bodyguard looking, one of those guys everyone thinks their punches wouldn't phase. Back in high school I was the outcast who kept to himself. I never spoke up to bullies nor did I fight back when it came to blows, I spent alot of time in computer lab looking up video games and playing with HTML, eventually I gained alot of weight from doing nothing for far too long. I never had a girlfriend but ive made up enough of them to look 'cool' to certain people back then.

I graduated 2 years ago give or take some months, and today I still live with my parents, but things have changed. After graduation I started lifting weights I lost alot of weight, but that weight turned to muscle, thus I didn't lose any mass. My acne cleared up, my hair is gotten longer down to about my shoulders, I keep it tied back, my appearance while altered over the years still puts me in the "Thug" or "Bully" Category. Its kind of nice actually people dont mess with me anymore, I used to be bullied but now im the guy everyone thinks is the bully even if I dont do anything to get that title.

Anyways, the day was a pretty normal day, I woke up and lifted some weights, did some exercises, and ran a mile to and from the store. Since I began my workout routine my energy has been boosted and my pant size has dropped, it was a gratifying feeling actually, now all I needed was a job. I bought the groceries for my mom, and ran home, the run went as it usually does no obstacles at all, I got home and put the groceries on the counter but before I could take my shower, it hit me I was exhausted even more so than usual, ive never been this tired simply from running before. So I drank me some cherry kool-aid and laid down in bed, before I could do anything I had drifted off to sleep.

Slowly I drifted off to sleep, this is where the strangeness started, I dreamt but it wasn't your normal dream, everything felt so real.. in this dream I was running, I couldn't see anything around me except for a gray floor, and lights that illuminated my path. Everything else was surrounded by shadows and there was a strange smell, it smell sweet but at the same time it made my eyes water. I was getting tired and my hair kept hitting me in the face, my hair felt softer than usual which was kind of weird despite me not being able to shower after my run, speaking of running I wasn't even running as fast as I normally could, and something felt off, and despite anything I tried I couldn't look down, I couldn't move my head at all, and most importantly I couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried, this caused my exhausted to rise.

Was this really a dream like my subconscious was telling me or was I dead and doomed forever to run in this place, with no chance of ever stopping? What the hell was going on here?! I heard this nasty growl behind me, and I could feel thousands of eyes looking upon me, I could hear people laughing and whispering, it made me wanna run faster, I was terrified and embarrased, I didn't know what to do. Despite the fear I felt I just kept my casual run, my body just wouldn't run any faster.

I woke up in a rush, my head felt strange, and it was dark out, I had slept all day. I groaned and laid back in bed. "What a strange Dream" I thought to myself "I wonder if it meant anything, it just felt too weird." The lights were out in my room, so I laid there watching the tiny beads of light from the moon dance on the ceiling. I yawned and drifted back to sleep, forgetting how oddly uncomfortable I felt. I was out in no time at all, I dreamt again that night, nothing like the first one though, they were simple dreams of being a rock star, or of watching my friends of the past live their lives, but they were younger, about 9th grade maybe the 8th grade I couldn't really tell. I was having a dream of flying through the clouds, the wind flowing through my hair.. when it was interrupted by a loud banging on the wall. I groaned and I heard something I haven't heard in years..

"Come on Get up! Now! Get dressed for school or your gonna be late.." followed by another loud bang. I tried to say something but nothing came out but air.. "What the hell, first im being told to get dressed for school, now I cant even ask what the hell is going on.." I get out of bed, almost falling on my face, like my bed is taller than its supposed to be. I let out a growl and stumble from my room my eyes still blurry from just waking up I push my hair out of my face and stumble into the bathroom. I turn and drop my pants, they were loose anyway so it didn't take much for them to fall anyway. I yawn and reach down in an attempt to grab my member, to my shock I grab nothing but air, I scramble around for it thats when it happens, my hands brushes against whatever was down there now, and my eyes grow wide. I may be a virgin but I know what it was without even looking. My malehood was gone, and in its place flatness. I did something I dont normally do, I screamed and I screamed loud, it was the type of scream thats said to 'wake the dead' even I was surprised by how high-pitched and loud it was.

My mom came running, and there she saw the strange scene before her, a girl with her pants around her ankles. She didn't look shocked, she looked angry, I would be too seeing a strange girl in my bathroom. I raised my hands and back up a bit.. "I-Its not what you think, im really your son.." my voice sounded so strange, I would've wondered why but with what I felt down below I knew what had happened. It took me 5 minutes to convince my mom I was her son, she told me to meet her in the living room, and walked away still in shock. I pulled my pants and boxers up and rushed to the living room, if she could help me get out of this mess quicker than I wasn't about to wait!

As I walked into the living room, my mom was sitting in her chair thinking. I still know that she had her doubts I mean who wouldn't have doubts when some strange girl starts claiming she's your son. I sit down on the couch, it felt weird, but butt was more cushiony than normal, so after squirming around a bit to get comfortable I waited.. finally my mom broke the silence. "Well what happened.." I shrugged my shoulders and gave the truth. "I dont know I woke up like this.." she nodded "well get dressed im gonna take you to the doctor, maybe its some kind of disease or something" I shrugged my shoulders again, and left the room and with that I headed back into my bedroom to get dressed. I stripped off my shirt, and dropped my pants, when I turned and looked in the mirror for the first time since I woke up.

I kind of expected a female reflection but what I saw staring back at me wasn't what I was expecting at all. My hair had become blonde, but remained at my shoulders, my eyes were a light brown too, I was now about 5'1, I was barely 100 lbs soaking wet, A cup breasts, and the rest of my body.. "GAH! This is so freaken unfair.. I couldn't look like the goth chick or the computer wiz, no! I had to get the body of a 15 year old cheerleader!" I was curvy and my lips were pouty, the tears were welling up in my eyes as I stared at the reflection. I sighed and grabbed a pair of jeans way too big for my body, and put them on, I grabbed a belt and using a screwdriver from my toolchest I added a notch to it, and used it to keep my pants up. I followed by grabbing a black t-shirt, and a sweater, after placing both on I tucked my hair under a baseball cap, and nodded. "That should prevent too many people from noticing." I turned and walked out of my room.

I stopped on the way grabbed a pair of fresh socks and put them on, though they kind of became knee-highs all of a sudden, geez I had tiny feet too! I slipped on my shoes, there wasn't anyway I was wearing ANYTHING that was considered girly even if the shoes were 3 times the size of my feet I was gonna wear them. I continued down the hallway to what I could already tell was going to be the most embarrassing and aggrivating days ive ever had, not to mention the longest.

[Arkain]

I hate to sound hard to please, I really, honestly do, but the mother's reaction is STILL weirding me out.
Then again, some people really are that clueless. What disease turns your son overnight into a daughter? One fully formed, no less? Accustomed to Hollywood magic, I assume. ;D

[Jayme]

im not sure how to have her react.. its either "YAY ANOTHER GIRL" "OMG! NOOO! GET OUT! JUST GO!" "..meh, get dressed" I thought about it and the emotionless way just seemed right, im opened to suggestions, but I wont have her forget James was the son, its part of what makes the story work...

[Bowser ala Femme]

Ooo..neat, Jayme. This revised story seems much more detailed. Kudos to you! ^^

[SweetSophia]

Definitely more fleshed out. Yo quiero mucho. You still seem to be having a bit of trouble with contractions though...

[Arkain]

Figuring out the best possible reaction IS pretty hard.

I think denial would be high on her mind, unless she's highly religious. The former would be bad for your story, but the latter...
Well, after she had a moment, she'd probably assume Heaven zapped you that way 'for a reason' and after that it's up for grabs...
Go for a priest, take it in stride (although doubtless with some shock and doubt lingering for some time.)

You picked a difficult subject, although that ain' necessarily a bad thing. ;D

[Mistress Guendolen]

Okay, the revamp is looking interesting. The plot structure makes more sense. I can kind of see the "going ot the doctor" thing. What you need to do is try to play up the "numb" qualities, like she's not sure how to react and is going on the gut instinct of "Oh, something wrong physically... doctor can fix..." etc. Acting without thinking too hard, as it were. However, I noticied an inconsistency. She was waking her kid up to go to school, then it's suddenly oh wait, I had a son. At first it seemed like her memory had been messed with, and she now thought she had a daughter in high school. Then it flipped. Which was it? Maybe I just didn't read it carefully enough. Now, the religion idea someone mentioned is an interesting concept. Someone could realistically bring that up, even if it's not one of the parents. Heck, you could even get some people saying this is some sort of sign that the new Messiah is coming or something. Now, if you do go with the messed-with memories, perhaps someone might go saying that this person has some sort of psychological delusion.... That might make things really interesting. Now, stylistically, I do want to mention one thing. You need to wtch your sentence structure. You occasionally lapse into run-ons, and there are times when you should have separated by a semi-colon or even started an entirely new sentence. To pick out all the examples I would have to go through and physically edit, which I would be willing to do if necessary. Sophia already mentioned the contractions. I don't see anything wrong with the word choice, just occasional awkwardness in narration. However, I'm sure a careful, close proofread will help you to fix those areas. Or so says the high-stickler ex-English/writing major. Either way, this is looking potentially interesting.

[Jayme]

ive never been good with contractions and run-on's.. I just write, I dont pay attention to tiny details...


http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/23234227/ <.< the part with the mom, tell me if this is any better than before

[Mistress Guendolen]

Well, the details are what make it look really polished, and that can make or break a reader's interest. I've seen things in the past that have done that with me. I'll look at your editing in a bit and let you know what I think. Though as I've said before, I offer my services as an editor to anyone interested.