Magical Sailor Fuku

Big Change, Little Osaka

Alright, here's my story of two brothers who become sisters. A Hot spring is the culprit, but it's not like Ranma. This is just going to be a silly, silly story, with comments on breasts, periods, clothes, and all the other crud girls put up with. A lot of Yuri is in the story as well, I'd rate this T for teen, let me know what you all think! Also, all of the dialogue is Japanese, but I've translated it like in comic books.

Chapter 1

My brother and I own the characters in this story, the scenario, and all that jazz. If anyone wants to use the characters in the story or any of the settings or scenarios, please contact me and we’ll see how it goes.

Two brothers who lived alone with their mother in Osaka, Japan were exploring a deep, dark, cavern. The two brothers were named Shinji who was 17 years old, and Yamato who was 15 years old, and they were both good-hearted individuals. They also were known for how they treated girls. With a lot of respect actually, the two boys realized how rough girls had it, or so they thought. Anyway they'll find out.

"Come on big brother, just a little farther in and we should have seen about all there should be in this cave!" said Yamato, a grin spreading across his face as he was doing what he loved best; exploring dangerous places.

"Hold it already, I'm coming, I'm coming.â€

Won't anyone comment?

I think it's a decent set up, but as a standalone piece, it's not much. It's a good thing you intend for it to be a part of a larger whole.

One little point: as far as the descriptions go, be a little more obtuse. Let me demonstrate what I mean.

Two brothers who lived alone with their mother in Osaka, Japan were exploring a deep, dark, cavern. The two brothers were named Shinji who was 17 years old, and Yamato who was 15 years old, and they were both good-hearted individuals. They also were known for how they treated girls. With a lot of respect actually, the two boys realized how rough girls had it, or so they thought. Anyway they'll find out.

This part is explanatory, but so incredibly blunt it doesn't feel like the rest of the story (which by the way is pretty decent, especially for your first). You could have skipped the name and age thing altogether, since the names would be obvious from the dialogue. The ages you could throw in as part of their descriptions.
Also, as far as the "good-hearted individuals" goes, that kind of stuff is best left for the reader to decide. Most people would already infer that from their actions (since they didn't want to get into trouble), but it's kind of fun to let that one person who thinks they're a couple of kissa$$es have their interpretation too.

Hope that wasn't brutal or anything, I'd like to see what you want to have happen to these characters. Remember, they are defined by what they say and do far more than what you state about them.

Hope to see more! (ignores the fact that I haven't really written anything for a good long time, despite requests)

^Kay, thanks for the input!

Chapter 2
The tow brothers, well sisters now, just stared at each other. Neither moved for what seemed like an eternity until Shinji finally spoke.

"You-Yamato, you've got breasts!" She said in a high-pitched and breathy voice.

"You've got more than that!" Yamato yelled looking at her sister's downstairs region, while talking in a high-pitched and girly.

"Hey!" Shinji yelled, looking flustered and embarassed.

After a moment of silence Shinji finally said, "We need to tell mom, she has to know."

"But she'll be so mad, she might disown us!" Yamato said, a feminine sound of worry coming from her mouth.

"She won't disown us, she didn't after the ramen incedent back in primary school and thatw as awful!" Shinji said patting her sister on the back.

"Don't remind me." Yamato grumbled. "We better try our bot clothes on and see if we can make them fit, then we can go home and show Mom." she said next.

"Or, we should call her first maybe." Shinji said. "Two newly feminized daughters might be a bit unbelievable." She picked up her phone and dialed home.

"Hello?" their mother, Hikari Karai Rei said as she picked up her phone. "I was busy Shinji.", she said as she saw the caller ID.

"Mom, it's me Shinji." Her child answered. "Me and Yamato are girls! I know it sounds impossible, but it's true! We were exploring this old cave, which I know you told us not to, but we went in and-"

"Let me guess, there were two hot springs and you both took a dip? Hikari said, a note of panic in her voice.

"Yeah, and when we got in them-" Shinji started to say before she was cut off by Hikari.

"I'll be rright there, are you at the park?" she asked as she got her car keys.

"Teah, in the main cave. We'll wait outside for you!" Yamato yelled, sounding absolutlely frightened at the prospect of being a girl.

"I'll be there dears, wait for me, and if any boy comes up to you, kick him in the junk!" Hikari said as she hung the phone up.

"Why did my babies have to have what happened to me ahppen to them?" She thought to herself as she ran to the car from their apartment. "Dammit!" she yelled, tears in her eyes.

What do you think? Short I know, but hopefully it's fine short!

*Applauds in approval*
Nice! I like it.

Cenzo wrote:Thanks hon! Are the girls irritating?

Are they supposed to be?

Just a little constructive critisism (I wouldn't be much of a fiancee without it, would I?): Watch your punctuation, and be sure to proofread. Like the wise man said, always proofread to make sure you don't anything out.

It's pretty good so far. Need a bit more description of the TG'ing though. Great work so far!

...it was just sort of

they do this and foof it happened. I really don't like stories like that and also, I just found you never really expanded on your characters, it was sort of like hey here they are, and stuff. But it was really nice when the actually story writing came into play, your grammar was better than mine and you most certainly do not have dyslexia.

Story hasn't been updated in a long time, but since I noticed the author still logs on I figured I'd throw my two cents in.

The two main characters, the siblings, have the potential to be the centrepiece of a good story, but there are things in the way. One problem is how the narrative jumps around too quickly, it would be nice if you devoted more time to a scene, giving details about the setting etc.

Remember to not get discouraged when writing, it is much slower and more awkward than simply imagining things in your mind, but in the end it is more rewarding. Thoughts will vanish over time, but a written story will remain, not to mention that you get to share it with others!

My best advice would be to just go with the flow and write a story that you enjoy writing. Lots of people on these boards (Such as me) will have suggestions, but they are not that important in the here and now, but rather more like good things to keep in mind for longer-term improvement.

So, if you enjoyed starting this story, you should try resuming it ;p