Magical Sailor Fuku

Check out the first chapter of my newest fic "The Emo King" http://animefan279.deviantart.com/art/T ... 1-72379680

Trust it's going to be a pretty good fic.I just need some help on it.

Before I say anything else, I have to address this issue: When you write, put a space after each period, comma, colon, semicolon, and so on. Your stories (and posts) are very difficult to read because you don't do this.

Now, your story... how should I put this... well, it's not exactly top-of-the-line fiction. Your grammar is tolerable enough to not completely bog down the story, especially when compared to some online "authors"', but your storytelling needs a lot of improvement.

I think that the core problem with your style is that you're too telling. You open the story, for example, with a very plain and simple explanation about the world the story takes place in. Though this may seem helpful, it doesn't capture the reader's interest. A good narrator doesn't tell; they show.

Instead of telling the viewers about the story's world, let the characters speak for themself. Adaire's words to Max, for example, make your introduction almost entirely redundant, and it is rendered even moreso when Myrrh's father tells her almost exactly the same thing. Remember that you don't have to explain everything in the story to the readers; you are the storyteller, and you decide what information the audience gets and when. Careful pacing creates a vivid, interesting story that leaves readers craving for more.

There are a lot of other problems with your story I could point out, but to be honest, I don't think telling you about them would help you much at this stage. I think the best thing you could do is keep writing, but also take a good look at a print novel and examine how the author portrays the world the characters live in, as well as how the characters interact with the environment and each other.

Oh, and don't read fanfiction to learn how to tell a story. Most of it is complete garbage.

Yeah, I'd note all the same issues. Hmm...I'd say good fiction lies more in what you leave out but still imply. I'd say your biggest issue is you seem to be in more of an essay-writing mode. I used to especially have that problem during my English classes in college. I don't know if there's really any solution other than say read a variety of works similar to and also very different than your writing and write a lot. Oh and reread what you write out-loud.

Addendum from the PM I sent - Biggest issues are plot pacing with cause/effect for characters and any semblance of character development. Again, dialogue issues too. Oh and there's not a lot of continuity between paragraphs. I talked with a few people and showed them the story and this seems to be the consensus.