Magical Sailor Fuku

This is my thread for shameless self promotion.

If you would like to check out any of my (rather awesome) TG stories or caption images, I have them all collected in what I think is an accessible manner over on my livejournal. Enjoy.

Here it is.

It reads like a book, which is good, although the chapters are a mite smaller than I'm used to. But if that works with your pace, then let's not discourage, shall we?

There's not much else that I can say, other than how it's proceeding well, seeing as it's a story still in need of completion. Aside from a few misspellings and using a wrong word or two in the context (more from distraction or thinking ahead of your writing rather than a blunder of skill, I imagine), all seems to be fine.

I can only recommend that you continue onward.

Thanks for the critique, if you can easily recall any specific spelling errors and point 'em out I appreciate it - no matter how many times I read over my own work I cannot see a spelling mistake/typo until someone points right at it, and then it's as if some sort of veil has been raised from my eyes.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by using words out of context, an example would be real spiffy. Am I perhaps overextending my vocabulary, or being too oblique?

What I found to be the worst thing in the story thus far was how in the second chapter I had a wall o' narrative followed by a wall o' dialogue, I'm inserting snippits and trying to mix it up some to flow better. I also have a bad feeling in my gut that I've made lots of mixups with farther/further as well as that/which.

Again, thanks honey bunches of oats again for your opinion.

I'll read over it again later tonight, or tomorrow, and I'll give you a sort of detailed indicator to point them out (unless you get to them before then). Oh, how I feel for those errors that you must smite.

Empyrean Nikkou wrote:I'll read over it again later tonight, or tomorrow, and I'll give you a sort of detailed indicator to point them out (unless you get to them before then). Oh, how I feel for those errors that you must smite.

*Wishes I was a level 20 Grammardin*

EDIT - LOL at how little sense the first sentence of chapter three made. I may be dense, but I sure saw that one. I think it was a case of writing half a sentence then deleting a quarter, getting up to answer the phone, coming back, finishing the rest and not checking to see what it looked like afterwards. Now I know what Dr Frankenstein felt like... ITS ALIIIVE! *backspace backspace backspace backspace*...now time to go find its bride

That's a distraction I mentioned, amiright?

Now it's time for the error-aid! It's a kick in a post! Just be forewarned to the fact that I'm not an English major and I may make suggestions either when I'm unsure of something, or if it could possibly work either way. Other than that I'll do my best to take your style of writing into consideration while I read it over.

But first: note that each quote will have, "Prelude says," and such, so you know where it is.

Chapter 1 wrote:Just as it began to comprehend those who swore dark oaths against trigonometry inside its four walls, they would move away to some new place. Never to be seen again.

That doesn't seem to be a complete sentence. Rather it seems relevant to the sentence before it, so the period should probably be a comma. However, I think you meant for a certain affectation, so perhaps an ellipsis (example: some new place... never to be seen again) would provide that effect.

Chapter 1 wrote:As the sun rose high enough to fill the entire classroom with its embrace, the first actor entered the scene. The one the room knew best, the teacher.

It may just be me this time, but this one also seems to be a part of the same idea from the last sentence, not having much power to stand alone. Perhaps the period could be exchanged for a semi-colon.

Other than that, at the very least I suggest that the last sentence have a few additions: the one that the room knew best: the teacher.

Chapter 1 wrote:His hair is straight and orderly, coloured black with an even dull lustre.

English spelling of two words aside ( ), I think you need a comma between "even" and "dull."

Chapter 1 wrote:"Zachary Salomon." the teacher called out, a statement rather than a question.

You need to capitalize "the," right?

Chapter 1 wrote:Everything about this boy was awkward, from his mish-mash of curly red hair to his equally red acne covering his face.

Too many "his" in there. ;p I think the one in red would work better as a "the." And "equally red" probably doesn't need a hyphen, but to me it seems more appropriate.

Chapter 1 wrote:Mouth turned down into a frown, with compassion tight around the edges, the teacher noted "Gary Aleksandrov." and resumed with the T's.

I think you need a comma after "noted" and the period after "Aleksandrov" should be a comma. (And what are T's? :O )

Chapter 1 wrote:She would not get far, however, before a second late addition to the class and our third subject stormed into the room.

I think the part in red either should be separated by commas, before and after it, or surrounded by parenthesis.

Chapter 1 wrote:"Here!" she irritably snapped before the teacher could even begin to get "Lisa Leone." out of her mouth.

This time I'm curious, since this is recurring... Is it normal, in literary works, to follow dialogue that ends as a sentence with a word that's not capitalized? It's a basic rule of writing, to capitalize after periods, exclamation points and question marks, so it's confusing to see it so prevalent.

That aside, the second part in red gets the same suggestion I put in a previous notation. And if you agree with the suggestion, then I need not point these out any further; it will now be your job to find them and fix them. ;p

Chapter 1 wrote:Lisa idly fumed, one hand slightly tugging on her long blonde hair.

I think a comma is needed after "long."

Chapter 1 wrote:They waited until recess to speak to each other, and the classroom let out a sigh, constantly jealous of dramas which unfolded elsewhere.

The first part in red seems like a complete sentence, as what follows the comma doesn't seem to have anything to do with it. A period, perhaps? We can kick the "and" away, then! Yay!

I think you mentioned something about using "which" or "that." Personally, "that" sounds better to me, with or without modifications to the sentence as a whole. Such as a "the" that could be placed before "dramas."

And that's pretty much it for the first chapter. I wouldn't worry about the size of this post. XD But I figure I'd let you do whatever you want with this before I get to the rest on the morrow.

By the way... The quotation marks are question marks, now. I wonder how/why that happened. O.o It wasn't like that first time around.

Wowsers, thazzalotta quotes. I guess I like to narrate in incomplete sentences, probably because I speak in incomplete sentences. I guess readers who don't like to read incomplete sentences trump me though , so I changed some of the offending phrases.

"Just as it began to comprehend those who swore dark oaths against trigonometry inside its four walls, they would move away to some new place. Never to be seen again."

became

"However, just as it would begin to comprehend those who swore dark oaths against trigonometry inside its four walls, they would move away to some new place... never to be seen again. The exits and entrances flowing ceaselessly in an endless stream of dramatis personae, one unending performance with an ever-changing cast."

I also messed up with commas after multiple adjectives twice, you're right, I'll keep an eye on that from now on.

As for the teacher taking Gary & Lisa's names, I changed it in different ways...although it was the same problem...I swear that's somehow logical.

Punctuating dialogue is simply impossible. From now on I am replacing dialogue with interpretive mime.

I never really learned how to punctuate dialogue in school, but I should really know from all the reading I do.

*Grabs a random book from my bookself as an example*

Sigh... after fixing stuff I don't have enough time for another chapter before class. Zoh wellz.

Thanks again for the help.

EDIT - Oh and by " the T's " I meant she resumed taking attendance, starting with names beginning with the letter T. I made it more clear now.

Well, just be sure that you don't bend to everything I say. I'm no expert, and I'm sure it's alright to express something a bit different from the norm. The key is to make sure that, whatever you choose to do, what you write should read as it was meant to be read so readers can understand.

It's a pity that I delayed the next chapter, though. ;/ Well, you can probably check for the same things in the other chapters that I mentioned before. I'll be looking for other things and mention them.

Oh, don't worry, I'd never fully succumb to the tyrannous dictations of any editorial overlord. Vive la resistance!

Also, in terms of scope, I figure the story is about 1/4 done, based on my list of what else I want to happen. Basically continue plunking the characters in the new world, TF 'em, bring 'em back together, have some conflict, resolve it, throw in an epilogue and finally bow as the curtain falls and trip as I leave the stage ;p .

Yay for hilariously vague spoliers

...<3 them all they were great!

although the one about the future, and that i would love to see more, it had one chapter and it stopped, it made me cry, i wanted to see what happened to him.

Hmm, so you liked Gladia, eh? I guess I might turn my attention over to it once I finish renaissance. I forget where I left my notes on how that one was supposed to end up, *starts scratching head and trying to remember the plot*

Also, zipping through the new chapters of Renaissance it too, makes me wonder about the groups future as they travel around hyrule, and get slowly tf'd

That is an excellent story! Check out my Stories. The one I update most Frequently is New Lives: Galactic Guardians. Here is the link to my stories: AshK's Fanfiction last Update: 03/24/2008

Good work! Keep up the story!

Okay I got your review. Have you read the New Lives Saga by Emma Iveli yet? You also need to read Galactic Guardians as well.

Here is the link to Emma's Fics. She is my Co-Author on New Lives: Galactic Guardians:

Emma Iveli's Fanfiction

Read New Lives, New Lives R, New Lives C, and Galactic Guardians before you jump into New Lives: Galactic Guardians.

Sincerely,
Dark Scout Cyclondia

Dark Scout Cyclondia wrote:Read New Lives, New Lives R, New Lives C, and Galactic Guardians before you jump into New Lives: Galactic Guardians.

That's...a lot of reading!

*Wishes I wasn't so abominably busy*

Don't worry just read them when you can. Actually all you have to read is New Lives R and New Lives C, as well as Galactic Guardians. Don't worry about New Lives: Outers Awaken, New Lives R: the Movie or New Lives.

Just New Lives R, New Lives C, and Galactic Guardians.