Thinking Alone To Myself: A Garath Tale
Posted: Fri Jan 06, 2006 12:32 am(WARNING: There are a couple of parts that may be a bit strong for the rating)
Thinking Alone To Myself...
I sat there staring into the full length mirror blankly. The room was circular, and dark. I could see no doors, no windows. Just this mirror with small penny sized lights around it's border, providing the only light of the room. Yet the reflection of myself shown clear as day despite the lighting. Why was I here? What was I doing? I honestly didn't know.
I watched my reflection as it began to waver. Intrigued I watched as it simmered and reformed. Standing before me was a person I had never seen in real life, but I knew them as if I had been born them.
For in a way. I had been. The person I saw was Miyuko. She was wearing the long dark black dress that was an imitation of Serena's Moon Kingdom Dress. She stood there looking back at me with a smile. This form had not been thought up by me. A long time ago when given the Princess status at Magical Sailor Fuku someone, I forget who now, had given me a pic of a black haired anime girl to be my new form. Somehow it felt right, and so I became Miyuko.
After a while though the form began to feel a little forced, and that's when I realized I had to become Garath again. It was like while the form felt right to me, as if it had been a part of me for so long, it also was only half of me. The other half being my real self. Garath, or at least the form of Garath. In real life I obviously didn't have any mystical powers.
I moved about a bit, posing and watching my Miyuko reflection do the same. It was strange to see her as my reflection when I was currently still in my male form. A form I just couldn't give up if my life depended on it. Too attached I was to it now. Though my Miyuko form was just as integrated into me now. I could not give IT up either.
But then which was I? Miyuko the girl in the mirror, or Garath the boy I stood before the mirror as? Who and what was I really? And the question I feared the answer to the most.
Was any of this more then just a simple fantasy? A dream?
Memories, if you could call them that, flooded my mind. But were they 'really' memories? I had made them up.... Hadn't I?
Standing there before the mirror I saw Miyuko's face turn sad. Was she truly a form I could one day take again? Or was it a stupid delusion on my part? Did she ever exist at all?
The memories were of the Moon Kingdom. Sometimes when I read stories of that place, of that time, it was like my mind could almost remember how the place looked. There was something about the Palace, the people, the very air of the place that stirred something deep within me.
Was it just my lust for a dream? Or perhaps the base of my imagination? Was it a story I had yet to fully uncover? A piece of fiction I perhaps wanted to write, but just didn't quite remember about yet?
Or was it something deeper? Could they be actual memories? I hoped so, but that was foolish right? No way I could have been born in the Moon Kingdom. Such things were idle fantasies. Dangerous delusions that could hurt me right?
I fell to my knees and began to cry. I don't know how long I did, but I do know how I stopped. It was, to my amazement, by my reflection touching my shoulder. Startled I looked up to see Miyuko, myself, looking down at me with a sad knowing smile. Then she was gone. And so was the mirror.
In a dark room I found myself. I began to call out when I realized, I wasn't the same. I had become Miyuko, wearing the same dress she was wearing in the mirror. Touching my breasts with my hands I sighed both happy and sad at the same time.
I was happy to be in this form. How much I secretly longed to take it. Yet also sad that by taking this form, I wasn't Garath anymore. Or at least I wasn't my male self anymore. The confusion of this could drive me mad for hours. I wasn't exactly Miyuko, but I wasn't exactly Garath. Neither form I felt 'right' in. Then again I never really could say I 'knew' how Miyuko's form felt. But as much as I did like to take it. I really found I tended to long for my Garath body again. It was all rather mind-wrenching.
What the hell was I? A boy or a girl? I certainly acted like a boy, and by my 'private' practices with a certain part of my self in the restroom while thinking of a certain 'female' gender and what I would like to do with one, one day. I found I defiantly had the thought processes of a 'boy'
Yet being a girl always seemed to appeal to me. Of course I had never actually been one, and this body even now was but an illusion. I had not actually taken it physically yet. As much as that pained me.
Was I simply curious as to what it was like? Or did I really have half my brain wired to be female? Could I ever be in a female body and find out? Even as the thought came to my mind I knew that by having it was probably very dangerous.
But I thought that perhaps I HAD to be female at least for a little while to free myself of this cycle.
These questions would not find answers today, much like the many other times I questioned them. So pushing them away once more as I often did, I looked around. It was almost like the room became a bedroom, or a nursery. I couldn't tell which. The vision was fuzzy, like a long forgotten memory.
I knew it to be the Moon Kingdom however. I felt like I had really been born here. I could see two small beds, or cribs. One with a baby Serena in it, and to her left sat a baby Miyuko.
As if far in my mind I could sense ancient memories of myself as a young girl. Playing with my sister Serena. These memories were nothing more then a vague understanding however. I could not make them clear, nor pick anything out of them other then a staticy image of myself in a black dress as a six year old girl. I felt my sister Serena was near me, but I was unsure. I also felt I had a Guardian cat of my own with me, but this I could not make out either.
The last memory I could find of this place was raising my birthright over my head as it floated there. The Dark Imperial Crystal. Crying I could see myself activate it, fearing the lingering Negaverse energy trying to take me over. I knew that being the Princess of the Dark Moon made me more susceptible to dark energy. That's why they attacked me with it, though I couldn't remember who 'they' were.
I believe my guardian cat, if there truly was one, but I had a feeling there was, tried to stop me, only to get pulled along with me in mid jump. I knew this caused my soul to be sent spinning out of control into space. Hoping to one day find itself reborn.
What happened after that I do not know. If such a thing truly did happen, then I have no idea how I found myself in the life I lead now. Where Sailor Moon was nothing more then an Anime.
Was I really Miyuko? Or was this but a foolish dream I so wanted to be real that I was even now deluding myself into thinking it actually happened. Perhaps finding links to back up it's truth when there really weren't any? These memories even. Were they real? Or did I only WANT them to be real?
This strange feeling I had towards Serena. Did it mean I could feel our bond, or was it nothing more then simple admiration? She did have the purist heart I had ever seen. Perhaps my empathy was merely picking up on that.
Then yet, why did the Moon Kingdom trouble me so? Was there some secret buried there I had forgotten about, or was I once more trying to create that which was not really there?
I could remember it almost clearly. I was young. Extremely young. I was sitting in my elementary school class, feeling the need to do something. Looking out the window I saw what could only be the ruins of an old Greek or roman building. It or they were in the place of a row of houses that should have been there. I went there, either because that's what happened next, or I really did dream of hearing a women calling me. I believe I did, but the dream was such a long time ago, and I did say I 'almost' remembered it clearly.
Inside it was dark for the exception of a women in a beautiful gown. I don't think I really recall what she looked like, but I swear my memory says she looked like Queen Serenity. But did she really? Or am I forcing my mind to remember that because I want to so desperately? Even if it's not true?
Even so, this dream had bothered me back then too. I never could really forget it. I had always felt it meant something.
The women told me she had been looking for me for a long time. Then she said she wanted me to meet my sister. In a room to her right I saw the girl. She had long blond hair (of this I am certain even with my faded memories). She wore a white dress and stood upon a single pedestal. She had her head leaned back and her eyes closed. Her hands grasped in what could be considered prayer.
It was then I woke up. Now as much as I think that was Serena, even though I have a feeling it was, I can't be sure I'm not again just seeing only what I want to see, and not the truth. I was certain the girl I saw was a girl I met not two days before in the back yard of a house. Yet strangely my mother says I was never in the back yard of that house. Which with her memory can't be entirely credited (Sorry Mom) But what if she's right? Then where did this girl come from? Did I dream meeting her in the backyard as well?
Last of all I don't remember the girl having 'the Meatball head' look. But could she have?....
The mirror was back. This time instead of my own reflection it was an image of my sister. Serena. She wore her Moon Princess Gown and looked at me with a friendly and loving smile. I walked up to the mirror, still as Miyuko and pressed myself against the glass. my arms raised, and my face turned to my right.
"Am I your sister?" I asked the mirror.
"I don't know..." Came the reply. Either from myself or elsewhere, I couldn't tell. I didn't know how to find my answers. I didn't even know where to begin looking. So reluctantly I turned and began to walk away. Before I got to far from the mirror however, I turned and faced it one last time.
"I wish.....I wish I am your sister..... And I wish to be joined with you again.....soon......" If only I could find proof of what was the truth. But if the truth was it was all a dream. A fantasy, an illusion. Could I handle it?
I had to believe it wasn't just a dream. That I truly would find her again. Perhaps find where my guardian cat is, and what happened to me after the final memory of the Kingdom I had.
Becoming Garath once more, I exited the room. Knowing I'd find myself back here all too soon.
Thinking Alone To Myself...
I sat there staring into the full length mirror blankly. The room was circular, and dark. I could see no doors, no windows. Just this mirror with small penny sized lights around it's border, providing the only light of the room. Yet the reflection of myself shown clear as day despite the lighting. Why was I here? What was I doing? I honestly didn't know.
I watched my reflection as it began to waver. Intrigued I watched as it simmered and reformed. Standing before me was a person I had never seen in real life, but I knew them as if I had been born them.
For in a way. I had been. The person I saw was Miyuko. She was wearing the long dark black dress that was an imitation of Serena's Moon Kingdom Dress. She stood there looking back at me with a smile. This form had not been thought up by me. A long time ago when given the Princess status at Magical Sailor Fuku someone, I forget who now, had given me a pic of a black haired anime girl to be my new form. Somehow it felt right, and so I became Miyuko.
After a while though the form began to feel a little forced, and that's when I realized I had to become Garath again. It was like while the form felt right to me, as if it had been a part of me for so long, it also was only half of me. The other half being my real self. Garath, or at least the form of Garath. In real life I obviously didn't have any mystical powers.
I moved about a bit, posing and watching my Miyuko reflection do the same. It was strange to see her as my reflection when I was currently still in my male form. A form I just couldn't give up if my life depended on it. Too attached I was to it now. Though my Miyuko form was just as integrated into me now. I could not give IT up either.
But then which was I? Miyuko the girl in the mirror, or Garath the boy I stood before the mirror as? Who and what was I really? And the question I feared the answer to the most.
Was any of this more then just a simple fantasy? A dream?
Memories, if you could call them that, flooded my mind. But were they 'really' memories? I had made them up.... Hadn't I?
Standing there before the mirror I saw Miyuko's face turn sad. Was she truly a form I could one day take again? Or was it a stupid delusion on my part? Did she ever exist at all?
The memories were of the Moon Kingdom. Sometimes when I read stories of that place, of that time, it was like my mind could almost remember how the place looked. There was something about the Palace, the people, the very air of the place that stirred something deep within me.
Was it just my lust for a dream? Or perhaps the base of my imagination? Was it a story I had yet to fully uncover? A piece of fiction I perhaps wanted to write, but just didn't quite remember about yet?
Or was it something deeper? Could they be actual memories? I hoped so, but that was foolish right? No way I could have been born in the Moon Kingdom. Such things were idle fantasies. Dangerous delusions that could hurt me right?
I fell to my knees and began to cry. I don't know how long I did, but I do know how I stopped. It was, to my amazement, by my reflection touching my shoulder. Startled I looked up to see Miyuko, myself, looking down at me with a sad knowing smile. Then she was gone. And so was the mirror.
In a dark room I found myself. I began to call out when I realized, I wasn't the same. I had become Miyuko, wearing the same dress she was wearing in the mirror. Touching my breasts with my hands I sighed both happy and sad at the same time.
I was happy to be in this form. How much I secretly longed to take it. Yet also sad that by taking this form, I wasn't Garath anymore. Or at least I wasn't my male self anymore. The confusion of this could drive me mad for hours. I wasn't exactly Miyuko, but I wasn't exactly Garath. Neither form I felt 'right' in. Then again I never really could say I 'knew' how Miyuko's form felt. But as much as I did like to take it. I really found I tended to long for my Garath body again. It was all rather mind-wrenching.
What the hell was I? A boy or a girl? I certainly acted like a boy, and by my 'private' practices with a certain part of my self in the restroom while thinking of a certain 'female' gender and what I would like to do with one, one day. I found I defiantly had the thought processes of a 'boy'
Yet being a girl always seemed to appeal to me. Of course I had never actually been one, and this body even now was but an illusion. I had not actually taken it physically yet. As much as that pained me.
Was I simply curious as to what it was like? Or did I really have half my brain wired to be female? Could I ever be in a female body and find out? Even as the thought came to my mind I knew that by having it was probably very dangerous.
But I thought that perhaps I HAD to be female at least for a little while to free myself of this cycle.
These questions would not find answers today, much like the many other times I questioned them. So pushing them away once more as I often did, I looked around. It was almost like the room became a bedroom, or a nursery. I couldn't tell which. The vision was fuzzy, like a long forgotten memory.
I knew it to be the Moon Kingdom however. I felt like I had really been born here. I could see two small beds, or cribs. One with a baby Serena in it, and to her left sat a baby Miyuko.
As if far in my mind I could sense ancient memories of myself as a young girl. Playing with my sister Serena. These memories were nothing more then a vague understanding however. I could not make them clear, nor pick anything out of them other then a staticy image of myself in a black dress as a six year old girl. I felt my sister Serena was near me, but I was unsure. I also felt I had a Guardian cat of my own with me, but this I could not make out either.
The last memory I could find of this place was raising my birthright over my head as it floated there. The Dark Imperial Crystal. Crying I could see myself activate it, fearing the lingering Negaverse energy trying to take me over. I knew that being the Princess of the Dark Moon made me more susceptible to dark energy. That's why they attacked me with it, though I couldn't remember who 'they' were.
I believe my guardian cat, if there truly was one, but I had a feeling there was, tried to stop me, only to get pulled along with me in mid jump. I knew this caused my soul to be sent spinning out of control into space. Hoping to one day find itself reborn.
What happened after that I do not know. If such a thing truly did happen, then I have no idea how I found myself in the life I lead now. Where Sailor Moon was nothing more then an Anime.
Was I really Miyuko? Or was this but a foolish dream I so wanted to be real that I was even now deluding myself into thinking it actually happened. Perhaps finding links to back up it's truth when there really weren't any? These memories even. Were they real? Or did I only WANT them to be real?
This strange feeling I had towards Serena. Did it mean I could feel our bond, or was it nothing more then simple admiration? She did have the purist heart I had ever seen. Perhaps my empathy was merely picking up on that.
Then yet, why did the Moon Kingdom trouble me so? Was there some secret buried there I had forgotten about, or was I once more trying to create that which was not really there?
I could remember it almost clearly. I was young. Extremely young. I was sitting in my elementary school class, feeling the need to do something. Looking out the window I saw what could only be the ruins of an old Greek or roman building. It or they were in the place of a row of houses that should have been there. I went there, either because that's what happened next, or I really did dream of hearing a women calling me. I believe I did, but the dream was such a long time ago, and I did say I 'almost' remembered it clearly.
Inside it was dark for the exception of a women in a beautiful gown. I don't think I really recall what she looked like, but I swear my memory says she looked like Queen Serenity. But did she really? Or am I forcing my mind to remember that because I want to so desperately? Even if it's not true?
Even so, this dream had bothered me back then too. I never could really forget it. I had always felt it meant something.
The women told me she had been looking for me for a long time. Then she said she wanted me to meet my sister. In a room to her right I saw the girl. She had long blond hair (of this I am certain even with my faded memories). She wore a white dress and stood upon a single pedestal. She had her head leaned back and her eyes closed. Her hands grasped in what could be considered prayer.
It was then I woke up. Now as much as I think that was Serena, even though I have a feeling it was, I can't be sure I'm not again just seeing only what I want to see, and not the truth. I was certain the girl I saw was a girl I met not two days before in the back yard of a house. Yet strangely my mother says I was never in the back yard of that house. Which with her memory can't be entirely credited (Sorry Mom) But what if she's right? Then where did this girl come from? Did I dream meeting her in the backyard as well?
Last of all I don't remember the girl having 'the Meatball head' look. But could she have?....
The mirror was back. This time instead of my own reflection it was an image of my sister. Serena. She wore her Moon Princess Gown and looked at me with a friendly and loving smile. I walked up to the mirror, still as Miyuko and pressed myself against the glass. my arms raised, and my face turned to my right.
"Am I your sister?" I asked the mirror.
"I don't know..." Came the reply. Either from myself or elsewhere, I couldn't tell. I didn't know how to find my answers. I didn't even know where to begin looking. So reluctantly I turned and began to walk away. Before I got to far from the mirror however, I turned and faced it one last time.
"I wish.....I wish I am your sister..... And I wish to be joined with you again.....soon......" If only I could find proof of what was the truth. But if the truth was it was all a dream. A fantasy, an illusion. Could I handle it?
I had to believe it wasn't just a dream. That I truly would find her again. Perhaps find where my guardian cat is, and what happened to me after the final memory of the Kingdom I had.
Becoming Garath once more, I exited the room. Knowing I'd find myself back here all too soon.
