Magical Sailor Fuku

This is based on an rp I am doing with Hira.

____________________________________________________________

Heath Williams woke up for another boring day of school. Private schools were always boring and he had to wear a dorky uniform. The only good thing was the girls looked so sexy in their short skirts. He met his friend Alex on the way. He was ecstatic when he found out they would be having a new science teacher today. It wasn’t that he liked science but the teacher was a real babe.

“Earth to Heathâ€

Hmm, seems interesting, but needs a lot more detail, there occasionally is a random flux in time, and the character's emotions don't seem right, they don't seem shocked enough at the change, and the accept it to easily. It seems like it could become good but could use some detail.

Oh no, I'm gonna be Simon Cowell, I'm gonna be Lizardman, but I can't resist...

*sighs* It's not good. The descriptions are nonexistent, the characters are flat, and there doesn't seem to be much of a point. Random Chemicals causing TG=Genre Convention. Other than that, there's just no sense of CHANGE, no sense of ADAPTION. It's just fill out some forms, get some new clothes, then go watch Football and drink a beer.

Not only that, but the change ITSELF is pretty thin. It's the equivalent of a 'poof of smoke', and they're a girl. Quite literally. There's no sense of who the character is, or who've they become.

It's just flat, and short. It's just...there's nothing to it. It's like an OUTLINE of a story, not a story itself.

And the dialogue is pretty basic too. No sense of real emotion, it's basically just "OMFG! You turned into a girl!", and such.

Not to mention it's hard to understand why they would be able to easily fill out these forms. Does this happen often?

Anyway, it could probably be good with a rewrite. It just needs a LOT more substance.

Nothing to add to what Mitchell said really ^^;;;

Xiao wrote:...and the character's emotions don't seem right, they don't seem shocked enough at the change, and the accept it to easily...

Me agrees 100%.

They are not affected enough by the change.

Ergh...

I'll be absolutely honest, anything less would be a disservice. Like Mitchell, I have to tell it like it is.

It's really not very good. Every factor needs to be improved... well, aside from spelling.
It looks like it was slapped together in the space of a couple minutes, with no writing experience behind it.

I can only suggest reading some books and trying to get a feel for proper narrative and story-telling.

Perhaps most importantly, you need to consider the way real people react to situations.


There's so much depth that could be covered and yet is sorely lacking... and, seriously, do you really think it would be that easy or perfunctory? Just go sign a few documents and everything is peachy? The formulae would be studied, the kids themselves subject to research...
People would be stunned beyond all imagining. How could such a stupendous change happen?
Their very lives are turned upside down and you gloss over it in a sentence.

*ahem* It's not the worst thing ever, like some make it out to be. It's a hasty little tale. But it was created and it sounds like it has meaning to the author. Thank you for sharing it. I liked your use of dialogue. But if you want to make more of it, you need to get your mind really into the people you're writing about as much as possible and take time with it.

Not the worst thing ever, perhaps, but not very good, yet you're right. That IS the main problem.

I also have some more issue with the means of transformation...
Are you trying to say two chemicals (doubtlessly simple ones, no less) found in a high school could, when inadvertantly mixed, produce a mist capable of causing mammary development, testes recession (and apparently subsequent blooming into two fully functional uteri,) the protein synthesis required to grow hair (and change its color, based on DNA no less,) alter DNA, and alter bone and brain structure, all with no side-effects?

While I'm sure some people will say it's unimportant, I would differ in that opinion. Overly convenient, much?

Not to sound mean but, for someone to like a story, there has to be enough to give him/her reason to like it. something that small cant keep a person going. need more descriptions, you could explain the background more, tell us more about the characters, and put more in the characters reaction. either 1. person would freak they just became a girl, 2. approach it in a curious manner, or 3. Be happy about it, which should tell us why there happy. too little to be appealing. I'm not much of a writer but i do see tons of flaws. work on it sorry for rant but trying to be honest

I like this fic, and I'm begging you for more. The cliffhanger about shopping piqued my curiousity, please more!