Mecchen House - Complete First Book Online

[Cutey Kerina]

http://major-kerina.livejournal.com/ You're always welcome to follow it through my LJ ^_^ *hugs*

[Cutey Kerina]

Ta-da! Early Christmas gift of Chapter 11 ^_^ I hope to have Chapter 12 done by Christmas but definitely before New Years edited and everything.

[Cutey Kerina]

Doh X_X taking a while. I'm stumped on a new song I want to use briefly because it means a lot to Tara.

[Cutey Kerina]

New chapter out (BTW- please post. I feel bad multi-posting so much)

[Chibi MitchellTF]

I would post, but I'm trying to find the time to read it...

[Cutey Kerina]

No prob, just glad to hear something ^^

[Cutey Kerina]

I have passed 200 pages. I never thought it would be possible but I did.

[Eri Anikemi]

I like how you said the voices fit their faces and bodies now. It helps to describe the face without going into elaborate and overfleshed details.

I feel sorry for the girls, having your memories wiped away is no kind thing to do.

[Kyunji]

A few months ago, I reviewed Mecchen House and mentioned how much I liked it. I believe the phrase I used to describe it was "addictive like crack", which is still very true. But since that time, the story has become even more alluring to me. I think that this is because unlike most of the stories on MSF, Mecchen is more than just a straightforward TG story. Instead of a typical "walk walk BAM! tg walk walk" story, Mecchen has clearly had thought and effort put into it. The three lead characters are all unique. Kelly is more than just a geek, Jamie is more than just a loner, and Nathan is more than just a jock. You also do an excellent job playing out the anime stereotypes and making them real characters. The plot is cute but mysterious, with the ever-more-bizare conundrum of just what is going on in Mecchen House. And the setting... well, that I'm not so sure about. The only area you've really described so far is Mecchen House itself. Mecchen is a great place, as I understand it, but I'm hoping some more detail on how the world of Mecchen differs from our own in the coming chapters. There's surely more to this adventure than just an apartment complex. How does the rest of the world differ geographically/culturally? I've only seen hints at this, like when Kelly mentions seeing the name "Einstein" in the library books.

Please note that the thought of an anime Einstein tickles me.

Now, as much as I hate to have to go over this... there are some things about Mecchen that aren't so good. The concept, as noted above, is great. My primary concerns are over the execution. I'm happy to see that you've eliminated the issue with comma usage in sentences near speaking parts that I outlined in my previous review. Now my primary concern is with awkward phrasing. Here is a sample of the story taken from the beginning of Chapter Thirteen:

Perhaps I ran a little too fast. I could feel my pants slipping, despite the best efforts of the safety pin. I tried to stop even faster. I saw Miki with her arms behind her head. Then everything started tilting to the right. I slid across the floor and my pants stayed behind. Hitting the floor hurt a lot more without a Katsumi to break my fall.

This paragraph feels a little clunky. Too many sentences start with "I", making the segment feel uncomfortably repetitive. "I tried to stop even faster," isn't well-placed. It has no bearing on the sentence before it, which can make the use of "faster" seem confusing. Such phrasing also makes the paragraph seem segmented and keeps the story from flowing smoothly. The words "a Katsumi" feel off because they imply that there are multiple Katsumis. Other issues are apparent in the second paragraph:

My glasses were fuzzy and tipped to one side in front of me. I slipped them back on and tried to regain my composure. I saw two of the girls standing over me. Nathan was there too. Miki asked if I was okay. Nothing seemed to be hurting. Miki and Nathan each offered a hand and I was able to get to my feet. I was down to my underwear but glad Katsumi wasn’t around to sneer about my pants falling off again.

Many of the same issues from the first paragraph are present here. Some sentences would be better if they were combined, as in "I saw two of the girls and Nathan standing over me." Not giving a direct quote from Miki makes the "falling" incident feel unimportant, contrasting with the drama it was given in the previous paragraph. Also, "my glasses were fuzzy"? What does that mean?

I'm sorry if I seem harsh, but the only way to get better at writing is to eliminate mistakes, and the best way to eliminate mistakes is to have someone point them out. This is why I embrace criticism as a useful tool instead of as a way of saying "you're stupid".

Returning to the positive side of the story, this chapter was excellent. Nana is getting more mysterious than ever, and Katsumi is becoming more fleshed out with every chapter. It might have been better to end the chapter with Kelly falling asleep or the end of the dream, but the current ending works alright as well, and makes me much more interested in Chapter Fourteen.

Finally, I'd like to once again mention how much I love your story. Every night when I get onto my computer, the first thing I do is invariably check your LiveJournal for new Mecchen chapters. The joy I get just from seeing that there's another part to the adventure defies description. I always pore over these new chapters right away, although this makes the time between new chapters feel all the longer. In short, I absolutely love this story, and hope that you can improve the few flaws I mentioned above and continue to write this grand novel.

[Cutey Kerina]

They were fuzzy because he didn't have them on. It's a *his perspective* thing. So far as "a Katsumi" that was very consciously intentional. Like taking "Katsumi" as if it were like "I didn't have a pillow to break my fall". I'm glad you liked it though but I had to reply because these were very intentional things I put in. As well as Einstein. Yes, that was intentional, along with all the weird little things Tara says sometimes.

[Cutey Kerina]

Here we are, the fifteenth chapter of Mecchen and I set down a preliminary expectation for how long it will be to the end of the work.

[Kyunji]

More Meccheeeeeen!

I love this story. You've probably figured that out by now despite the fact that my compliments are usually dwarfed by the number of critical suggestions I make. I have only one minor complaint left and then I swear I'll be done with my criticism. You sometimes use articles before quotations (e.g. "I blushed and said a soft, 'Well, we’ll see. It’s probably not over yet.'"). This phrasing is (to me, at least) just a tad awkward. I suggest using standard phrasing instead ("I blushed and said softly, 'Well, we’ll see. It’s probably not over yet.'"). If you have a particular reason for doing this, just disregard my suggestion.

In other news... argh! Cliffhangers!

Also, you did a very, very good job handling Kelly's reaction to the latest change. The ways you've expressed his (her?) fear show exactly what he thinks and fears. I wish I could write about emotions in the way you can.

[Cutey Kerina]

Wow ^_^ Reply to thread! Yay!

Yeah, it's more a stylistic choice. Mostly I get sick of adverbs placed like that.

I'll try to be conscious of it though and try to mix things up.

[AnimaVex]

Like DJs?

Loving it, as usual. I need more time to read it, however. Excellent piece of work, and I haven't seen anything too bad that it disrupts the flow of the story.

[Cutey Kerina]

As I wrote this novel, I went looking for a series of visual aides for what I mean when I described the characters therein. I've hunted long and hard for the right sort of style. Today. I filled in all the gaps. And here I present the Mecchen visual aides for the characters.

(credit for a number of these goes to May-chan. Some of the male ones to Musa.)
WARNING - SPOILERS on CERTAIN CHARACTERS IF YOU LOOK AROUND and have not read through all the chapters.







Ami - Oneand Two. Both really capture her well.

Ms. Ishida - most of the images I use for her look wrong due to this character having brown hair and it's hard to fix but when drawn as a sketch, it works perfectly.

And we have our hero, Kelly (still not the best image) who turns into Arisu

And I recently found this. This is a really great version of Jamie and this one too. He will turn into Kimi , whom I have tons of images with (and in this one, her eyes are properly recolored)

Then we have the absolutely definitive KATSUMI!!!

We also have Nathan who turns into Keiko.

This is also a definitive version of Mami here.

And Miki here

Oh this one. I love this one. This one is for Nana and it's the first image I picked and it's the only one I have of a character like this with this particular mood. It really nails the look the of Nana. HERE IT IS

Here's another perfect one. This is a perfect Reiko

Now Sumi was always a toughie. I'd much rather have Pussy standing around Sumi in this image but this is about the best I can get

This last one took forever to find but it an absolutely perfect Tara . The key for her was to have one that immediately made me smile.

There are my visual aides but ideally I'd like to find someone who can draw to present the girls and soon-to-be-girls in a lovely visual style which doesn't rely on the need to dig up images that evoke the girls but actually are them. *bows*