Taralynn's Desk

[Arkain]

Star Trek is cheese incarnate. ;D Aside from a Necron Monolith anyway.

[Taralynn]

Chapter 2 of Crew Shift is up! Please check it out for me and comment. I need your comments to improve!

[Arkain]

Punctuation is a little shaky, but the thing that really kills me is unholy crime of switching perspectives mid-story. (From the Captain to Petton and then back again.)

In the first two... I guess you'd call them paragraphs, the way you say 'the captain' makes it sound like you're switching perspectives or is referring to another character. You might try combining those two... paragraphs somehow.

I see no real reason to specify how long he slept. "A couple hours" would have sufficed.

[Taralynn]

Chapter 3 of Crew Shift is up on my Desk.

To be honest Chapter 3 was tough for me. Not much action and mostly dialogue. Hopefully the dialogue was interesting enough and Dr. Teffri is a likeable character.

More new artwork! This time from Grover and colored by me. Also, the lovable Ai made artwork for Mother Raven that you all should check out! It's AWESOME!

To get to my site, just click on the link in my signature.

[Arkain]

Genetics and biology are not the only talents you'd need to complete the change. A considerable amount of physics knowledge would also be needed.

Also note: The fact that he was able to do this with a beam of light rather than several months in a laboratory should be ringing even MORE bells.

I find it interesting that the Captain hasn't given more orders to the crew on the subject.

[Arkain]

All right, having read Ch. 4...

I take issue again with changing perspective like that.
Also, you should stay consistent in referencing gender pronouns.

This is very important: If the Captain is going to strip down one of his officers, he will not do it on the bridge in the few of others, ESPECIALLY not inferiors. Officers also do not call down the Captain's orders in the same environment. That's discipline and authority golden rule number 1.

Also, if she's wearing heels, she should probably just take them off. Barefoot would be better.

Yay! Sexy XO!

Oh, JOY, we've got technobabble... you know, wouldn't their ship be able to track the other ship by the bounces off THEIR drives?

Again, the obvious solution to this shoes thingie is to dump 'em...

Dunno, I liked this one better than most of the previous, though it still feels funny.

[Taralynn]

Arkain, I'm not sure what you're talking about with changing of perspective. I've stayed in the 3rd person the whole time. Perhaps you could be more specific.

Also, I understand what you mean by shouldn't the Sabine be able to track others using the same subspace pulse they had just talked about. THere is a completely logical answer why they don't.... they don't have something that sends out a subspace pulse. Remember, the Sabine doesn't normally go into an area where one is needed and I think in the first chapter I demonstrated that the Sabine isn't the first class ship of the TSF fleet. Meanwhile, the ships that are using subspaces pulses, more likely patrol the Muffler Sector, where one is needed, more often.

Funny you should mention taking the shoes off. I'm actually doing something about that in the next chapter.

The technobabble is actually serving a purpose as well. I'm trying to portray Moden as somewhat of a nerd who has trouble communicating himself to others. I feel technobabble is a good way of doing it.

[Chibi MitchellTF]

You tend to use third person LIMITED, which uses the perspective of the Captain as soemthing to follow. It's slightly jarring when you switch to somebody else's perspective for a single paragraph, then switch back. It's mainly jarring in Chapter Three with Lt. Petton.

[Arkain]

Mitchell nailed it exactly

Isn't the subspace pulse being sent out by a beacon, not by them? If they can detect it they should be able to use the echoes just like the following ships.
Not to poke holes in your technobabble or nothin'.. ;D

[Taralynn]

The beacon in the escape pod is set to a specific frequency though. It will only bounce off their own subspace rifts. I believe I mentioned that in the chapter.

As for 3rd person Limited, I'm using more than limited but less than omnicient (or as I like to call it 3rd Person Not Quite Omnicient... I really should trademark this stuff... I might make bank). I do have the story focus on the Captain and whoever is in the room with Captain.

[Arkain]

It's not WRONG, just questionable. I don't like it, for one, but I'm just one.

[Taralynn]

Well, I've posted chapter 5 of Crew Shift... to be honest I'm not the most proud of it. It just feels like I left a lot on the table, you know? Like I could have done Xaen better... sigh... well... yeah, check it out. Tell me what worked. Tell me what didn't.

[Chibi MitchellTF]

Hm...I would have had Xael prowl a little, split her dialogue by having her make actions. Sneer, snarl, crack her knuckles, crack her SPINE, phase through herself. (Also, when she's talking about teaming up, she should probably switch to 'we')

"Muter' is awkward phrasing. Just have him say 'mute her cell'.

[Arkain]

Alllllll right, I'm getting a little sick of the perception that people can't handle their hormones, especially in a militarily disciplined setting in the case of former men in the middle of a crisis and so forth.

At the age of 20 I, a young male, am fully capable of not mentally undressing every attractive women I come across if I so choose, and I am a virgin. This absurdity about men being completely unable to help themselves is genuinely getting on my nerves.

Sergeant Garrick is doing it because he wants to, not because he's compelled to do it.

Also, really hacks me off? I think you mean ticks me off.

Aside from that, the usual battery of grammar problems. I still find the voices a little funny, but that could just be me.

No problems beyond that I cared about or noticed.

[Funny Hat + Funny Accent]

I didn't see any anything like what was been already mentioned, but I did like this chapter. Keep up the great work, Taralynn!