Taralynn's Desk

[Eri Anikemi]

I did notice the jump from point of view to point of view, and the rather hazy line that makes it hard to tell when a character is thinking or when they are speaking. I rather like how Jack Chalker and Mercades Lackey handle it.

"This is me talking to you."
This is me thinking to myself.
>>This is me talking to you via telepathy<<

However, enough critisicm! I also noticed that as each chapter was posted, the critiques from previous chapters were taken into account, small holes in reality sewed shut, and the tone of your writing gets tighter with each chapter you post. In particular, I liked that you sewed shut the hole about the security officer wearing her heeled boots.

The story is cute, I love the cheeze, and your work is showing genuine improvement.

[Taralynn]

Thank you for all the comments guys- and girls. ^^

Well, despite the delay Chapter 6 is up. I really wanted to make it longer but time constraints limitted me. I get the feeling that the chapter feels rushed but I'm hoping it doesn't- probably a vain hope.

Of all the girl's appearances, my favorite is Dr. Teffri. You'll find out why when you read the chapter. ^^

[Arkain]

"Sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic," jumps to mind.
You think a trained doctor would jump to the conclusion that they were witnessing magic? I'm almost insulted, only the fact that I switched to anthropology prevents it. ;D
Speaking of which, even my introductory studies give me plenty of reason to doubt that the occult legends of every single society is more a result of speculative thought on natural phenomenons and considerable exaggeration than anything else, so taking the prevalence of mythology in all cultures as evidence of the occult is rather silly.

Still, we know it probably is magic, but we're not the characters. ;D

It's short, but I rather liked it aside from that, though if the Captain isn't at the con I don't see why the XO doesn't act as Captain and communicate until he can arrive.
Or why they don't just route the audio to him.

[Taralynn]

Arkain, are you suggesting they should have networking technology in the future? That's just crazy!

But seriously, I'm just trying to portray that the Sabine isn't exactly a first class ship and things that you should normally be able to do, you can't because the Sabine is the POS of the TSF fleet

[Arkain]

What concerns me more is Teffri's insistence that it's magic.

[Taralynn]

I understand the whole "Any technology sufficiently advanced enough can be construed as magic" thing. The thing is that it would be hard to believe that any race (especialy one that they apparently know like the Yrch) would get so far ahead in technology that you don't even have theories how he did it. For Dr. Teffri, it's easier for him to believe it's magic than it is to believe they somehow made several leaps in theory AND technology.

[Taralynn]

And Chapter 7 is finally up! Sorry for the delay everyone.

This chapter is much longer than my other chapters and has a ton more action. I don't believe I've ever written an action sequence like this before so I'm a little nervous how it turned out- but I think it turned out good. If you all could let me know what you liked about the action sequence and some things you think could have improved in the action sequence that would be great.

Also, Pip drew an awesome picture for the chapter. You all should enjoy that one for a few moments and ponder on its splendor and glory!

[Arkain]

I really don't like Novak tearing down the Captain in front of the bridge crew like that. Goes against military discipline 101 (indeed, I think it may be grounds for a court martial.)

I like that the Viceroy was his uncle, but it seemed a little awkward in presentation. "As a side note, he was also my uncle."
The captain might try to stress analysis of the weapons to see who was responsible, but it's not really important to the story, minor note.
Also, weaker bodies should be rather irrelevant in a modern boarding action. If there's such thing as a species that can ignore live fire, then it wouldn't matter if the ship was crewed by heavy-G wrestlers anyway.

I'm surprised Fawx hasn't ordered Garrick to shut up already and focus on his job. All these random comments from him would just distract from his job and theirs.

Clever use of their diverting energy from shields to engines, I heartily approve. If you think about it, though, an EMP missile there could reasonably disable the entire ship if insufficiently shielded (I mean electronically against EMPs or other electromagnetic interference.)

"Garrick pulled his curvy frame back into the pilot’s seat. He tried to quickly set a course, but he could barely see the screen. Her giant auburn bangs practically blinded her vision. But piloting required two hands. Panic set in; tears began to well up in her emerald eyes."
Some gender pronoun confusion here.

Great approval on Garrick shift, buwahahaha.

You know, there's a great website for sci-fi weapons. ;D

Over all, I liked this chapter, probably a lot more than any of the rest.

[Chibi MitchellTF]

"Who's the man!"

Ka-Zap!

Somebody get Garrick some scissors.

[Eri Anikemi]

I love the fact that you're producing real work here Taralynn. That's rare, so don't take my grumbling in a 'you suck, stop it' way. The action scene was cool in the good classic cheesy space opera ways.

But this has been bugging me for a while. I know it's sort of in the TG genre for the new women to do the 'ooh noooees, we are helpless weak women! help us help us!' but it's actually bothering me at this point.

They're SERIOUSLY worried about being 'weak' in front of a reptilian race!? They have guns! They have tech! I mean, if I were building this universe and I were comparing a fit and healthy male human with a fit and healthy reptilian male (assuming they are in fact stronger/more powerful in the male gender) the reptilian would win hands down in all physical catagories.

I suppose this space force is all macho, and doesn't allow female crew, which is the point of the story... but this particular plot element is very hard for me to swallow. It keeps breaking my suspension of disbelief. Technology and mind is the great equalizer.

Also, they're an alien race. It feels... weird to phrase the "...the captain stared them in the eye and read their emotions..." he did what now? Ever looked a lizard and tried to see what it's thinking? Heck look a mammal in the eye... they're not human, they don't have human body language. JT Kirk is supposed to be able to do this because he's badass in intuition. Here's how I would write it.

"Captain Fawx stared into the cold black orbs of the Minalonian captian's eyes. He'd faced Minalonians before, during the war. Cold, inscruitable, impossible to read. But his gut feeling, the one that never betrayed him, told him that Siiksaas wasn't bluffing. He would take his cold blooded revenge over the tattered scraps of the treaty in the blink of an eye."

Hmm. An interesting thought. I wonder if the Yrch can use it's magic on the TSF Sabine to make it not such a POS starship?

Also, MitchellTF: Sissors?! Nooooooooo! Such pretty long hair! Don't cut it!

[Arkain]

Indeed, don't cut it! Maybe give her a new hair style! Muwahaha!

You know, you make a splendid point, I'm surprised I didn't notice it before. I conquer with Eri's statements.

[Chibi MitchellTF]

Who said it's for the hair? Cut her out of her darn jumpsuit!

And, to be fair, they weren't just turned into WOMEN, they were turned into STEREOTYPICAL women, in high heels. They were turned into the women who fall in LOVE with Kirk.

[Arkain]

Also true.
Hey, Teffri ought to have plenty of cutting stuffs...

[Eri Anikemi]

Who said it's for the hair? Cut her out of her darn jumpsuit!

And, to be fair, they weren't just turned into WOMEN, they were turned into STEREOTYPICAL women, in high heels. They were turned into the women who fall in LOVE with Kirk.

Well, in terms of appearance and clothing, you're dead on. They definatly do fit that stereotype to a T. However, they haven't shown any modification of their mental capacity... they're not fawning over Captain Fawx cause he's 'oh so dreeeeeamy!' So it still feels off to me that they're afraid of the 'big scary muscle men!' Since... you know, they've got zazers, or whatever they choose to call their futuristic beam guns.

Say, Taralynn? Can you go over your reasons for putting the navigator into that outfit? I'm a little puzzled why she was so radically... constrained, I guess. Her outfit feels really differnt from all the others.

[Kyunji]

Say, Taralynn? Can you go over your reasons for putting the navigator into that outfit? I'm a little puzzled why she was so radically... constrained, I guess. Her outfit feels really differnt from all the others.

She actually left a note at the end of the chapter on this:

I have to hand it to Pip on Garrick's new outfit when he got transformed. We batted some ideas around and decided that of all the outfits, the pilot's would be the one that is most hindering because she pilots the ship. Her hair in her face, corset crushing her ribs, skirt preventing her from moving and of course dangerously high-heels built into her outfit so she can't remove them. I'm glad I'm not a character in somebody else's story. I'm mean to mine. ^^