Mitera Nikkou wrote:Like the ofttimes philosophical discussions I once had with Etheric Dreamer (Sophia Anieri, AKA Sour Sophia)
I'd forgotten that you figured out that I was the sour one. And of all of us, you give me the shout-out first? Love you too, Nikkou.
This really strikes a chord with me (corny musical metaphors aside, even), because the "discovery" that you mention at the end of the caption is essentially what I first felt from the transformation into an Eternal. The freedom to blaze new trails, make friends or challenge obstacles without being the same person I thought I'd had to be? That was essentially a bonus. Nevermind that it was more than enough to be the most important event in my life to that point. The true meaning was the curiosity I felt on realizing that I was new, fresh, but still me and not disappeared into someone else as I'd secretly wanted.
That childlike wonder was what had kept me interested in the Aeternalae long after they had become a bit "stale" in terms of people's reactions to them. It's why I kept coming back, never letting myself take my own "no" for a final answer. It's why I still wonder what would have been different if I'd accepted Alyta's offer in June 2004 instead of telling myself, "It would only hurt more, because it can't be real."
I don't pretend to have no regrets or to know when to clap my hands to prove the existence of fairies in milk chocolate (random, bear with me or not as you see fit.) The point is that I could never stick to despair -- I kept seeking and hoping and yearning for that deliverance that was never going to be what I hoped for because all I remembered how to hope for was to become someone different. And it wasn't a woman at first, although by the time I accepted the Touch in January of 2006, I knew that my soul would be female regardless, as far as I'd journeyed into metamorphosis already.
So... What is the answer, when the embers of memory are about all that seems left? I don't know, maybe I'm a contrarian or a joker or whatever, but I kind of think it's the other way around. The reason we cling to the memories isn't because they're supposed to be enough -- but it's because even with the victories and blessings that we acknowledge to be our own, there is still something bright that is missing.
I don't know where to find it, but I know where I left it last, so... Ah, sounds like I have to come back now. Guess that the chaos is less scary than I thought.
Just don't expect me to read every post, or I'll not forgive you. You have been warned. <.<
